Adam Rex is growing a mustache for charity over on his blog (author's note: he even looks good with a mustache. Is there anything this man can't do?).
This got me to thinking about my own facial hair. I've been experimenting with facial hair quite a bit over the last few years. Let me take you through the timeline:
7th grade: I attempt to grow a mustache, and after six months, eventually get a sporadic formation of greasy hairs under my lip.
Did chicks dig it? No. Dear God no.
Why did you shave it off? Public shaming.
Author's note: My mustache looked something like this when I was 13, though at no point in my life have I ever been as cool as Adam Morrison.
12th grade: Having developed into a enough of a man to grow some legit facial hair, I decide it would be really cool to rock an Amish chin strap.
Did chicks dig it? Only slightly more than my 7th grade mustache.
Why did you shave it off? It really takes an Amish woman to appreciate the chinstrap, and unfortunately there weren't too many of those in my hometown. Plus, I really like electricity. There would be a lot of problems for any potential relationship.
Author's note 1: That is not actually me, but a fair representation of my facial hair at the time.
Author's note 2: I also had blond highlights when I rocked the chin strap . And yes, it looked just as douchey as you imagine.
Author's note 3: I am loving that guy's hat.
From 2002 to mid 2008: No facial hair.
Did chicks dig it: Somewhere between the Amish chin strap and seventh grade mustache. Yeah...these were some difficult years.
A sad, lonely man. Nice picture of me, though. Sonya Sones did that. Yes, THE Sonya Sones.
Three glorious months in 2008: The beard.
It's kind of a strange emotion to be proud of something your face did, but my God does that beard look awesome. I imagine this is what it must feel like to watch your kid play little league, except your kid is actually really good at baseball so you don't have to pretend to be happy that your son throws like a chick.
Yes. That is exactly what it is like having a beard.
Did chicks dig it? Little known fact: there is a certain type of girl that really likes a guy with a full beard. Granted, most of these women live in Montana, but still, it feels like I'm making progress.
Why did you shave it? Because I'm afraid of true happiness...
I've been working on growing the beard back for a few weeks now, and this is always an awkward time with facial hair. You go from slight stubble, to Don Johnson "that looks pretty cool stubble", to "homeless person showering in the sink at the bus station" stubble, and then you spend a few days in an interesting phase that I like to call the "80's movie villain stubble":
Do you see it? Okay, what if I slicked back my hair.
Sexy. Dangerous. Scratchy.
As an added bonus, I think this makes me look a little bit like Sylvester Stallone in Cobra.
And that's pretty cool.