The Ben Esch Website

Hey readers,

Two questions I deal with quite a bit when I do author appearances: 

1.  Do you know Stephanie Meyer? 

And...

2.  Where do you get your ideas? 

Let's focus on question #2 for right now. 

Where do ideas come from? 

To be honest, I really don't know for sure where my ideas come from.  I like to think that a big part of it is just me being really smart and creative (author's note: and humble) but that can't be all of it.

Now, like I said, I don't know for sure where my ideas come from, but the longer I do this, the more I'm leaning toward a theory...

My theory:  the crazy crap we do, see, and hear about throughout our lives sticks to us, and if you can filter it right, this turns into creativity somehow.  And for some reason, the crazy crap that we're surrounded by during our childhood seems to stick a lot harder. 

Yeah, I need to work on that a bit before I can spin it into a self-help book, but I still think that the theory is sound.  Whenever I'm stuck for ideas or characters or locations, my mind always goes back to my hometown.  And lucky for me, my hometown is pretty entertainingly insane. 

How entertainingly insane you ask?  Allow me to demonstrate. 

The following are ACTUAL police calls from my hometown during the last few weeks.  Check out the News of Record in the Union Democrat if you want to see some more. 

6:54 p.m., Big Oak Flat — A woman reported her “tie-dye-jerky” signs vandalized in Big Oak Flat.

5:50 p.m., duck call — A person called to report a duck in the middle of the road. The caller said the duck could not fly and had attempted to shoo the bird off the road. Police responded, only to find the duck could, in fact fly. Officers were unable to capture the duck.

7:47 p.m., East Sonora — A caller said an intoxicated employee was inside a business and refusing to leave. While a deputy was there, the manager arrived, also intoxicated, but in better condition. The first reportedly intoxicated employee was picked up by family members, and a cab was called for the manager.

10:28 a.m., self-starters — An apartment manager reported that tenants had removed a smelly carpet without consent on the 600 block of Copello Drive.

11:06 a.m., lazy dogs — A person reported that dogs repeatedly chased cars at Bret Harte Road and Booster Way. The offending dogs failed to chase the police car that investigated

4:09 p.m., suspicious circumstances — A man on a horse was lectured about panhandling on the 1000 block of Mono Way.

4:01 p.m., Sonora — A woman went to the Sheriff's Office asking that DNA testing be done on a single hair she found attached to duct tape on her car. She said she uses the tape to cover damage caused when she hit a deer, and someone keeps pulling the tape back. She was told no DNA testing would be done and left.

7:40 a.m., Phoenix Lake area — A person on the 21800 block of Montgomery Road reported that a neighbor's horse had fallen into the pool and couldn't get out. Fortunately, the horse was in the shallow end.

3:01 a.m., Twain Harte — A woman hired to dance at a bachelor party was thrown out of a residence by the bachelor’s girlfriend. Deputies assisted her in finding a hotel room for the night after picking her up at Marquis Drive and Twain Harte Drive.

My advice:  When you get stuck for inspiration, think back on your childhood and where you grew up.  Chances are there's some gems in there. 

My advice #2:  Don't panhandle while on horseback as law enforcement takes a dim view. 

And you better believe I have some deep thoughts on this. 

Before we get into any of the nitty or the gritty, let me explain the basics of the situation:  Barnes and Noble has started posting "age appropriateness" scores next to some of the books on their website.  A group called "Common Sense Media" is doing the scoring, and they rank whether a book is in the green (age appropriate) in the yellow (iffy whether the intended age group can handle it) or red (any sentence will make your head explode and/or turn Communist at first glance). 

There's a really good article about this on Salon in regards to Judy Blume's "Are You there God, It's Me Margaret." 

Basically, Common Sense Media listed her book as "questionable" (the controversial yellow zone) for the age bracket because of, and I quote "mentions of Playboy, kissing, menstruation, bras, [and] emerging sexuality." 

Now at what age do they think the fragile mind of the child is ready to read about bras and Playboy?  14 to 17.  I shit you not. 

I know it's gotta be tough for any group to figure out the age appropriateness for a book, but really?  14 to 17?  17 like you're a senior in high school?  17 like you can sign up for the military?  17 like you can get a super douchey dye job and listen to Limp Bizkit (author's note: at least that's what I did when I was 17). 

Going by this scale, kids shouldn't be allowed to read Sophomore Undercover until they're 45, and by that point, my readers will probably be a little too worried about mortgage payments and upcoming prostate exams to appreciate the delicate humor and locker room hijinks. 

The worst part about this whole thing is that the Common Sense Media rating is just staring at you right in the face when you go to the Barnes and Noble website.  Not every parent is gonna have time to think through whether little Sally's 12 year old psyche can handle some "emerging sexuality" and "bra" talk.  No, they're just gonna see that the book is in the dreaded red or yellow zone, and buy them something that isn't offensive. 

But do you want to know what's offensive?  Every other goddamn thing that a 12 year old is exposed to in the media.  If we're gonna keep kids away from Judy Blume because it's too racy, well, that's insane, but I'd be willing to go along with it if we had the same standards for video games, TV, movies and the Internet.  There's quite a bit of material about "emerging sexuality" on those things too, but I think Judy Blume covers it with a bit more grace than the Jersey Shore.  

Getting kids to read is difficult enough already.  Let's not keep them from some really great books just because of a little menstruation and Playboy talk. 

NOTE: 

Sophomore Undercover didn't get rated by Common Sense Media, so that kept my righteous indignation in check a bit.  I don't want to beg or anything, but what does a fella have to do to get a little negative attention from a parent's group?

Hey readers,

So a couple of weeks ago, me and Michael "The Situation" Reisman (the guy who wrote the very cool Simon Bloom books), did a talk about writing for boys at Flintridge Bookstore.  It was a good time, and I know I promised that I'd tell you guys about we talked about, and that's still totally gonna happen, but in the meantime, I want to share some even better advice about writing for both boys AND girls that I found over at Pen and Ink. 

Supposedly, this column ran in a children's literature magazine back in the 50s, and goddamn if this isn't brilliant.  A big thanks to Lupe Fernandez for posting this. 

The link to the article on Pen and Ink is here, and for those of you who are too lazy to click over, I'm going to enable your sloth by posting the article right here:


"How To Write Books for Boys and Girls"

"Always portray the military, politicians and religious figures in a positive way. Remember, these responsible authority figures keep Americans safe against atheists, beatniks and Communists.

"The family in your story should consist of married parents. Divorce has no place in reading material of teens. Broken homes make them nervous and might put unnecessary worries in their heads about whether Mom and Dad are getting along. While many classic stories feature orphans, today’s modern family is more educated and healthy, and orphans are old fashioned characters.

"Dad should always work in an office or to a responsible job like a fireman or a policeman. Fathers should never be an unemployed loafer or a union organizer. Mothers should always be homemakers. Mother’s who work in offices set a bad example for impressionable girls.

"Boy characters should have healthy, manly hobbies like playing baseball, collecting bubble gum cards, and outdoor camping. Girls should like sewing, cooking and talking with other girls about like clothes and boys. Activities that keep boys inside like reading, writing or thinking are not suitable role models for young men. Those are girl activities. On the other hand, too much physical exercise by girl characters would be unrealistic and your reader would lose interest. If your story has a Tomboy, make sure she is not a major character. Make the Tomboy a supporting character who longs to act like a real girl.

"Dress your characters in appropriate clothing. Boys: short sleeve shirts (only puny boys who spend too much time reading in their rooms wear long sleeve shirts), loose, comfortable pants with pockets and Keds sneakers with tied laces.

"Girls: ankle-length skirts (absolute no pants), Mary Jane shoes (only girls with loose morals wear high heels unless attending special occasions like a funeral or a wedding), hair tied in a pony tail or neatly trimmed.

"Language is very important. As boys and girls are often not in control of their feelings, they make many exclamations of surprise.

"Appropriate phrases:
'Jeepers!'
'Golly!'
'Holy Moley!'

"Inappropriate phrases:
'Crazy man!'
'What a gasser!'
'Kookie!'

"Never show a boy and a girl holding hands unless accompanied by an adult or riding in a hay wagon with other boys and girls.

"Never have a girl romanced by a foreigner, especially greasers, scratch-backs, potatoes, pachucos, fruitpickers, or braceros.

"If your story is a crime mystery, make sure your youngsters deal with bunco artists, robbers, or counterfeiters. Never put your youngsters in peril with murderers or social deviants.

"Everybody likes a good ghost story, but stories with supernatural happenings should be confined to misunderstood blithe spirits, college fraternity pranks or escaped convicts in disguise.

"If you follow these tips, your story is sure to be a delight to boys and girls everywhere, and stand the test of time just like the classics you read as a youth.

"End your story with a good, hearty laugh at the dinner table. Perhaps, Skippy the family dog runs through the house chasing Fluffy, the neighbor’s cat.

"These are a few tips for a good writing and wholesome reading."

END OF BATSHIT INSANE/KINDA RACIST ARTICLE

Pretty cool, eh?  I didn't understand quite a few of the words in there, and I still can't figure the connection between girls not wearing Mary Janes (whatever the hell those are) and being sluts, but still, that was an entertaining read. 

I'm gonna write about the stuff me and Michael talked about in my next blog, but just as a warning, none of our stuff is half this entertaining and only a quarter as sexist besides.  So, be sure to adjust your expectations accordingly. 

Hey readers,

I know a lot of you guys are writers and as writers, when we get together, our conversations usually tend toward the same topics: 

1.  Is Costco hiring? 
2.  God I wish I had written something about vampires. 
3.  How in the hell do you get an agent? 

Let's focus on #3 for a second here.  When I was first starting out with the writing, I didn't think about agents or publishing that much.  Mainly, I was just happy to be telling a story and all that other fruity artistic stuff, and I figured that I'd worry about the business parts of it later. 

But there was one day, I'm not sure when, I think I might have been about two hundred or so into Sophomore Undercover, when I decided to do a little internet research into how I was going to turn all these words into a jet ski. 

So I Googled "how to get an agent"...and holy shit was that depressing. 

I couldn't find any straight information, and spent the next five hours figuring out how long I could live off of six hundred dollars in Eastern Europe. 

But after I calculated that the plane ticket to Estonia would leave me with approximately 15 dollars, and deciding that it was probably a lot easier to be a hobo if I knew the language, I got back to writing. 

A few months later, I finished the book and I decided to go about finding an agent again, but this time I had a website.  I think my brother found this one for me, and thank god he did, because this site is awesome.  www.agentquery.com. 

Now, agentquery has every agent in the business listed, and you have one of two choices here: 

Your choices (as represented by a dating analogy)

1.  Be the asshole at the bar who throws a weak pickup line at every girl who passes. 

We've all seen this guy.  Hell, we've all probably been this guy at one point or another (author's note to younger readers: stay away from any drink that has "malt" in the title and isn't a delicious chocolaty beverage), but this is no way to start your new career as a writer. 

Don't send your query letter to every single agent on the website.  Don't send mass emails with fifty agents CC'd (this actually happens).  Don't send your romantic vampire query to an agent who specializes in historical non-fiction. 

Instead, be the guy who: 

2.  Studies the room, finds the person sitting at the bar who is the perfect match, and then slides over and then says something flawlessly written, completely relevant, and with enough of a hook to keep the conversation going. 

Okay, my bar analogy is kinda falling apart, but I think you get the idea.  Here are some key points: 

1.  Figure out what kind of book you wrote: the genre, other books that are like it in the market, other books that are your influences. 
2.  Do some research on agentquery and google to find out who represents the kinds of books that you both A) really dig and B) are similar to your book. 
3.  Get a list of the agents that you think would be a great fit for you. 
4.  Write a goddamn brilliant query letter.
5.  Jet ski.  

Number 4 really deserves a few thousands words on its own, so lets leave that alone for now. 

Point being, you should really do some research to find the agent that would be perfect for you.  Because even though they need to choose you, you also need to choose them.  Think of this as a marriage (author's note: disregard the fact that I've never been married. This advice is still gold).  You don't want to just take the first person that will have you, you want to find the person that you will be a good fit with for the rest of your (professional) life. 

That's not to say that there might not be some rocky times and/or divorce, but if you do your research ahead of time, then you're a lot more likely to find yourself in a happy partnership. 


Here's my story: 

I read King Dork by Frank Portman (awesome, awesome book) and I thought that my book was kinda similar.  I looked in the acknowledgments and saw that Frank thanked his agent "Steven Malk."  I did a little research on Steve on agent query and Google, saw that he represented some other authors that I really dug, and figured I'd give it a shot.

I sent him my query letter.  He liked it.  And seven months of revisions and a whole lot of emails letter, we signed the papers and made it legal. 

Steve is a really great agent and it's been great working with him.  Seven Impossible Things Before Breakfast just ran an interview with him the other day, and you guys should check it out.  He's got an interesting back story and it was cool to learn about his journey to becoming an agent. 

The INTERVIEW IS HERE. 

Okay, my hands are cramping and I gotta go drive to Santa Monica to talk at a panel for the California English Teacher's Convention.  So, you know that's gonna be a party. 

Me and Michael "Simon Bloom: The Gravity Keeper" Reisman are going to be doing a writing workshop this Sunday. 

We're going to be talking about how to write for a guy audience (author's note: I'm pretty sure the majority of this audience will be watching the Super Bowl) and there's gonna be plenty of high level advice and knowledge darts flying around, so be ready for that.  Also, they have some really nice scones in the attached coffee shop.  And the first person to come up and ask for a scone gets one courtesy of benjaminesch.com.  Just don't be greedy and get one of the fancy ones with fruit and sprinkles and stuff.  I'm not made of money.

Here's the details on the workshop: 

When:  Sunday, February 7th at 4 PM. 
Where:  Flintridge Bookstore in lovely La Canada/Flintridge, California. 
What:  Me and Michael Reisman talking about writing. 
Should I RSVP?  Yes, totally.  Send an email to catherineL@flintridgebooks.com. 

Now, I realize that most of you who read this blog either A) don't live in California or B) would prefer to watch football, so I'll be posting a recap of all the stuff we talk about.  But, for those of you who feel like some writerly good times on a Sunday afternoon, I will see you there.   

Time for a little confession.  Despite being,

A)  Born and raised in America
B) Fluent in English (author's note: and this is in spite of spending several of my formative years in Texas)
C) An English major
D) a professional writer

I still have no goddamn idea how to use a semicolon.  And I still use them all the time; like; I'll just get flustered and start throwing them into sentences; cause I think they make me look smart; and I'm in a shame spiral about not knowing proper punctuation; and; balls. 

Every time I turn in a book, I wait for my editor to call me and yell at me for having shitty punctuation, but as of yet, that hasn't happened.  I'm not sure why.  Maybe since I got a book out there, people confuse my grammatical ignorance with "artistic flair" or something.  And I'm cool with that. 

But for those of you who actually want to know how to use a semi-colon, I recommend you check out this webcomic.  It's by a dude called "The Oatmeal" and it prominently features bear fighting and party gorillas, and maybe if my teachers had tried teaching me grammar with a little more of that, I might have paid a little more attention.  

NEXT BLOG: 

In which I talk about writing word goals and such will be up super quick. 

Hey readers,

Okay, time to work in some writing advice again.  I know it's been a while since I've done this, and that's mainly because I feel like a huge jackass giving advice about something that routinely kicks my ass, but seeing as I'm a writer and this is my website, we're gonna give this thing a shot. 

Cool.  So, I've been writing for a living for about three years or so now, and I still haven't been able to get much of a routine together.  I know, I know, this is kinda embarrassing, and it's something I've been working on and bumming myself out about ever since I decided I wanted to be a writer. 

Now, I think there are a lot of reasons I've had trouble getting a routine nailed down.  Sometimes I tell myself it's because I'm a creative free spirit that can't be contained by a schedule, and though it sounds kinda pretty and all, it's complete bull shit.  Hemingway had a schedule.  Roald Dahl had a schedule.  And there's no way I'm more of a creative, free spirit than the dude who came up with James and the Giant Peach. 

So, what's the answer then? 

There's a possibility it's because I'm lazy, and that might be true, but I think it's something a bit deeper than that. 

My theory:  I still work like I'm in college. 

What does that mean?  When I was assigned a paper in college, I wouldn't start it early and chunk off a page a day like a responsible person.  No, I would wait until the last day, and then I would power out the entire works...usually sometime between midnight and when the coffee shops opened up again at 5 in the morning. 

Working like that was a rush, and I usually did some pretty good papers, but it built up some bad habits that I took with me when I started writing fiction. 

Instead of working a steady, sustainable pace on my books, I would usually just get all hopped up on Peets and write 20 pages in a night.  Then I would sit back and wait for my hands to stop shaking and marvel at what an awesome writer I was. 

Except I wasn't an awesome writer the next day.  Or the day after that.  Because I was too wrecked from spending all night freebasing coffee and being hunched over my laptop like a troll. 

Killing myself one night might equal twenty pages, but I was good for approximately zero pages for the next week.  So, that put my weekly page total at 20 pages. 

But, if I would have just taken a couple hours in the morning and busted out a more manageable six pages, that would give me 42 pages at the end of the week. 

So, I would have been twice as productive and with a lot less caffeine abuse besides. 

Jerry Seinfeld understood this and here's a super cool article about how he keeps himself writing and motivated every day. 

Did you read the article?  Seriously, click the link.  The rest of my blog will make a lot more sense if you do. 

For the past few weeks, I've been marking my calendar for every day I write and so far there hasn't been a break in the red X's.  My page total is climbing pretty steadily and I haven't been up at 3 AM once.  Okay, maybe once, but that was only because I had a lot of quality programming backlogged on the TIVO.

So do like Jerry Seinfeld.  Get a calendar.  Mark down some X's for days when you write and watch the pages grow.    

AND IN NON WRITING NEWS

Here's a clip from Troll 2.  Because I love you, that's why. 

You know, I was a little on the fence about France until I saw this. 

I found this and bunches of other neat stuff over at iwatchstuff. 

Hey readers,

Well, it's been another great year here at benjaminesch.com and I wanted to wish all of you guys some happy holidays and so forth.  Personally, I have spent the day playing golf and eating nachos, and I really like to think that's what Christmas is all about. 

I hope you guys have a great day, and as a special gift from all of me to all of you, here is a video of my brother doing his Charleston Heston/George Takei/George McFly impression. 

Did you watch the whole video?  Because he does an alarmingly good George Takei impression there at the end.  Brilliant. 

That's me in the background by the way.  The technical term for me is "multi-talented." 

And while we're on the subject of talented people, Kevin Spacey is pretty good at impressions too. 

 
So, I just heard that Kirkus Reviews went out of business.  I have some conflicted feelings about this.  I mean, it’s no real secret that Kirkus didn’t really like my book.  Make that they hated my book.  A lot.  Kirkus pretty much kicked me in the balls with their review of Sophomore Undercover. 

But I’m still sad that they aren’t around anymore.  To me, Kirkus Reviews was like an alcoholic, abusive uncle.  Sure, he was going to call me a fat sissy, and backhand me if the beer I brought him was too warm, but he was still family, and godammit, I wanted him to love me.  Or at least like me…a little bit.

But that isn’t going to happen.  Because Kirkus Reviews just drank himself into a stupor on moonshine, stumbled into the well and drowned (author’s note: I’m still using the drunk uncle analogy here). 
  
So, rest in peace, Kirkus Reviews.  You were a crotch kicker without compare.