The Ben Esch Website

So I am completely sure that this joke will get DJ Fitz's book on the top of the New York Times best seller list in no time:

What do you get when you cross a feline and a CB radio?

A CAT scanner!

I don't have a cat joke, but I have a holiday cat song that people have told me is a hoot. You can see the video and read the lyrics on my blog.

Brian Trust is my new favorite commenter. Cats = thumbs down.

DJ Fitz is kinda lame. Ben is only trying to help you!

Daniel Fitzgerald,
I hate to break it to you but your idea for a cat book is nothing new or original. This has already been done many times over http://www.amazon.com/s/ref=nb_ss_gw?url=search-alias%3Dstripbooks&field-keywords=cat+jokes .

I suggest that your next writing project focuses on armadillo jokes. Currently there are zero books on amazon that are entirely armadillo jokes.

Anybody who doesn't know what soap tastes like never washed a cat

Wow...

Now those are some cat jokes.

I'm gonna keep the contest open for a couple more days, and provided that I settle the various legal entanglements with D.J Fitzgerald, will announce the winners next week.

Great job, readers!

Cat fitness really can be fun. However, it is important to start any fitness program only when you feel like it. Don't let a few extra pounds intimidate you into becoming more active. The most important aspect of fitness is: when to start the program. The best time is at about 2 a.m. The house is quiet; there are no distractions. The warm-up is critical. Cats are experts at stretching, so this won't be a problem. Start with a few wind sprints, full speed, toenails clicking on the tile or linoleum floors. A few low but loud growls will help you feel charged up.

Now it is time to add some eye-paw coordination work. Find a marble (the big steelies work even better) and roll that down the floor as the sprints continue. See how many times you can ricochet it off the wallboards before it disappears under the fridge. Finally, work on that upper body strength. Climbing is a great exercise. Use draperies, macramé plant hangers, or clothing on hangers. You can even find some carpeting on some basement walls. Backs of chairs work well, too.

Now put it all together. A speed sprint to the end of the hall! A race around the living room! Leap to the back of the rocking chair! Let the rebound launch you to the top of the swinging planter! Rock that baby! Feel those muscles work. Just as the hook pulls loose from the ceiling, dash to the bedroom and dive under the covers. Establish your alibi just in time to hear the crash of the plant to the floor below.

Have a good Work-Out!

Mister Esch,
This DJ Fitz guy is the kind of guy that gives cat enthusiasts a bad name.

I have been working on a book of how to build cat furniture out of cardboard at home. What would i have to give you to get me in touch with your agent?

Here is a sample of what I have in mind. This is copywrited. No ripoffs.


http://www.flickr.com/photos/oskay/2717355524/in/set-72157594170390035/

There are so many fun jokes and great book ideas on this blog post! keep up the good work!

I have a cat, mr. wrinkles, who always does the funniest things. he must have been a comidian in a past life. sometimes i like to make up silly voices and pretend he is saying cute things. a lot like LOL CATS but more high-brow. dj fitz has almost inspired me to start writing down some of these funny things i pretend mr. wrinkles says.

keep up the good work ben!

Sandra, that book is already being done by me. I also am in the begining stages of writing a childrens book about a sophisticated British cat fellow who lives in high society and eats fancy people food and lives like a stock broker. So don't bother with your book idea, it's already taken. Think of your own idea please!

Hey, have you seen this cat pencil sharpener? Gross.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eBPWKS5p3z0&eurl=http://www.google.com/reader/view/&feature=player_embedded

Set your Tivos to record The Soup.

WHY CATS ARE BETTER THAN MEN

They’ll both stand outside your door and whine, but the cat will
stop when it gets in.

If a cat jumps into your lap, a little light petting will satisfy him.

The only thing a cat expects you to "put out" is food, water,
and a clean litter box.

A cat always comes in SOBER after being out all night.

When a cat goes to the toilet, he tries not to leave a trace.

You can put a bell around a cat’s neck so you know exactly where he is.

If you stroke a cat, he won’t leap on you for sex.

You don’t mind that much if a cat brings a different bird home every night.

When a cat comes in at mid-night, he doesn’t wake you up by bumping into every item of furniture.

Cats never pretend they know how to fix the VCR.

Cats don’t care what size your boobs are.

Cats still love you, even when your perm goes wrong.

Cats love rubbing up to your legs, however much cellulite you have.

Cats can be neutered if they stray.

It’s okay if a cat rubs up against your best friend.

A cat might actually listen to you.

You never have to spend time with your cat’s mother.

You’ve got a better chance of actually training a cat.

Cats are always cute.

A cat is never late for dinner.

Cats love to see you come home from shopping with lots of bags!

You’ll never get a call from your cat’s Ex.

A cat would never leave you for a younger women.

Cats treat your mom with respect.

Cats don’t worry about hair loss.

It feels nice to stroke a cat’s soft, fluffy fur.

A cat’s friend is less likely to be annoying.

Cats never show love without meaning it.

To buy a fancy dinner for a cat only costs $1.00

Cats actually think with their heads.

Unlike a man, a cat can fend for itself.

Cats comfort you when you are sick.

When a cat sleeps all day it’s natural, not annoying.

A cat matures as it grows older.

Back hair on cats is cute.

A cat is loyal.

"Meow" is never a lie.

Cats never want the shower first.

You can have sex with your cat in the room, and neither of you mind.

A cat never feels that they have to give you directions.

A cat never criticizes your driving.

A Great Way To Clean Your Toilet!!!
Great Directions here for a real clean toilet!!! easy too!!!!

1. Lift both lids on your toilet bowl and add a couple of capfuls of shampoo to the water.

2. Go to the other room where the cat is sleeping, pick it up and soothe it while you carry it towards the bathroom.

3. In one smooth movement, put the cat in the toilet and close both lids (You may need to stand on the lid, afterwards). The cat will self agitate and make ample suds.
(Never mind the noises that come from the toilet, the cat is actually enjoying this.)

4. Flush the toilet three or four times.
(This provides a "power-wash" and "rinse")

5. Have someone open the closest door to the outside (Be sure that no one is between the toilet and the outside door.)

6. Stand behind the toilet as far as you can, and quickly lift both lids.

7. The cat will rocket out of the toilet and run outside where it will dry itself. After this procedure, both the toilet and the cat will be sparkling clean!

Sincerely,
The Dog

Why did the cat put oil on the mouse?

Because it squeaked.

Why don't cats play poker in the jungle?

Too many cheetahs.

Q. Why do cats hate flying saucers?

A. Because they can't reach the milk.

Ben,
Would you be interested in starting a cat blog with me?

These aren't quality cat jokes. Most of them are extremely vulgar and inhumane. I'm suprised my web filter has let 90% of these past.

There is no snooze button on a cat who wants breakfast

I forwarded this to all my friends just for these jokes. some are really good!

Ben,
How many companion cats live with you? What are their names and personality types? I see you are very interested in cats have you writen any cat focused books? Would you like to join our cat club?

http://www.cfainc.org/exhibitors/show-schedule.html

Catz Rule!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_CHzqnOiF4M

p.p.s. Would YOU like to grab lunch someday and discuss our work?

For all of you with teenagers or who have had teenagers, or are a teenager, you may want to know why they really have a lot in common with cats: - Neither teenagers nor cats turn their heads when you call them by name. - No matter what you do for them, it is not enough. Indeed, all humane efforts are barely adequate to compensate for the privilege of waiting on them hand and foot. - You rarely see a cat walking outside of the house with an adult human being, and it can be safely said that no teenager in his or her right mind wants to be seen in public with his or her parents. - Even if you tell jokes as well as Jay Leno, neither your cat nor your teen will ever crack a smile. - No cat or teenager shares you taste in music. - Cats and teenagers can lie on the living-room sofa for hours on end without moving, barely breathing. - Cats have nine lives. Teenagers carry o n as if they did. - Cats and teenagers yawn in exactly the same manner, communicating that ultimate human ecstasy — a sense of complete and utter boredom. - Cats and teenagers do not improve anyone’s furniture. - Cats that are free to roam outside sometimes have been known to return in the middle of the night to deposit a dead animal in your bedroom. Teenagers are not above that sort of behavior. Thus, if you must raise teenagers, the best sources of advice are not other parents, but veterinarians. It is also a good idea to keep a guidebook on cats at hand at all times. And remember, above all else, put out the food and do not make any sudden moves in their direction. When they make up their minds, they will finally come to you for some affection and comfort, and it will be a triumphant moment for all concerned.

Little Tim was in the garden filling in a hole when his neighbor peered over the fence. Interested in what the cheeky-faced youngster was up to, he politely asked, “Whatcha doing, Tim?” “My goldfish died,” replied the boy tearfully, without looking up. “And I’ve just buried him.” The neighbor was concerned. “That’s an awfully big hole for a goldfish, isn’t it?” Tim patted down the last heap of earth then replied, “That’s because he’s inside your cat.”

Q: What kind of work does a weak cat do? - A: Light mouse work.

If anyone on here uses any of my jokes i want a cut of the book money!

Johnny,
Your jokes are seriously lacking. I know DJ FITZ write far better.

What do you call a Chinese cat?
Chairman Miaow

What do you call a British cat?
Miaowgret Thatcher