Ricky asked: What is that Kings of Leon song "Sex on Fire" about?

Ben answers:  Gonorrhea.

Send your questions to benjamin.esch@gmail.com


I finally won a contest. 

This means a lot to me, guys.  I mean, I haven't won a contest, since...well, to be perfectly honest, I can't think of the last time I've ever actually won anything.  Uhh...turkey trot in the seventh grade?  That was pretty epic. 

But something magical happened the other day: 

I won a caption contest on YA Fresh and got my very own copy of the very cool book "The ABC's of Kissing Boys" by the fabulous Tina Ferraro. 

And as much as this was a huge moment for me and my ego, there's one slight little problem. 

The slight little problem:

I already own a copy of "The ABCs of Kissing Boys" by the fabulous Tina Ferraro. 

And as much as I want to hoard my boy kissing themed literature, I thought that I would share my bounty with all of the wonderful readers on benjaminesch.com

But there's a catch.  A fun, write your own caption kinda catch. 

I want you guys to take a look at this picture. 

Cute huh? 

This was the picture that was the inspiration for my award winning caption--Cat: This is the last time that I use Craigslist.   (Author's note:  Ben, you are hysterical.)

Pretty good, right?  Now let's see if you guys can do any better. 

The rules for the First Annual benjaminesch.com Caption Contest

1.  Write a caption for the cat and dog picture and submit it in the comments. 

This is still cute, right?  Awesome. 

2.  Keep it classy. 

Or don't.  I'm not the moral police here.  Just make me laugh.  Or cry.  Bottom line: I'm looking to feel something here. 

3.  The winner will be announced soon to soonish.

4.  The prize is a copy of Tina Ferraro's "The ABCs of Kissing Boys." 

I'm reading this book right now, and I guarantee that it is awesome. 

But you know what?  I don't think you guys need the book to enter this contest.  I think you just get off on the raw adrenaline rush of competing in no-holds barred caption contests. 

And I don't blame you.

Let the caption contest begin! 


I had a very strict schedule when I came home from school when I was a kid. 

1.  Fruit leather. 
2.  Juice box. 
3.  Cartoons. 

And for a solid stretch of time from 1st to 5th grade, my cartoon of choice was "The Tiny Toon Adventures." 

So, now that I'm a man and I've traded in my fruit leather for low fat yogurt and my juice box for a slightly fancier juice box, I decided that I would watch some clips from my old favorite cartoon to remember the good times. 

And holy crap was I not ready for this. 

Were all the old cartoons I used to watch this insane?  I mean, I've never really had a huge desire to experiment with any mind-alerting substances...maybe that's because I got all the tripping out of my system with the Tiny Toons Adventures.  So, that's a good thing...I suppose.

Does anyone else want to throw out some of their favorite cartoons from their fruit leather years?  I think I need to investigate this some more.      


Hey readers,

I've announced quite a few contests the last few days, and I thought it was time to do a little housekeeping and announce the winners.  So let's get going. 

1.  The Sophomore Undercover Video Game Challenge

I watched that old Fred Savage movie "The Wizard" in my hotel over the weekend, and I got to thinking that even the mentally challenged Nintendo prodigy from the movie couldn't beat the Sophomore Undercover Video Game. 

And then I got this win screen sent to me from Paul and Dan. 

And my world got turned upside down. 

Anyway, I need to figure out a prize to send to Paul and Dan, but seeing as I thought beating the game would never happen, I never actually got around to thinking up anything.  You guys got any ideas? 

Please submit suggestions in the comments.   And, you know, keeping it under ten bucks and not creepy would be appreciated. 

2. The winner of the first annual Murph Blog Say What contest: 

Is Angela.  Congratulations, and I hope you enjoy the grand prize...a signed copy of Sophomore Undercover!  Granted, it's going to be signed by Paul from the Murph Blog, but I still think that's pretty exciting.  

Check out her winning submission and the rest of the entries at the Murph Blog

Particular big ups are to be given to benjaminesch.com readers for their submissions, especially the "I crap flat pennies" line.  Genius. 

3.  The winners of the Katie Darby Rock and Roll haiku cage match.

Are Kelly and Dan.  Check out their winning entries on Katie's blog

Now, as some of you may remember, I talked a good deal of mess about how I was going to win this contest.  In fact, I was so confident in my Adam Duritz poems, that I threw down a little extra incentive if I lost to anyone who came from benjaminesch.com. 

Well, as it turns out, in addition to writing award winning poetry, both Kelly AND Dan are also readers of my blog.  So...yeah.  This is me paying up. 

Poems about Kelly and Dan's Haiku superiority


Kelly Polark is
way much better at Haiku
Tasty rock poem


Dan Amend fan club
I used to be a member
And now am once more

Congratulations, guys.  And thank you for teaching me valuable lessons about humility and syllable counting.

And now, some website news: 

Website news

1.  I just got back from the ABA winter institute in Salt Lake City, and welcome to the new blog readers who I met at the conference.  Wait, I do have new readers from the conference, right?  I mean, I wrote down my website like five hundred times in the last few days.  If that doesn't drum up some traffic, I am going to lose my mind. 

Anyway, the conference was a lot of fun.  I met a gaggle of booksellers, had some laughs, ate some really bad sushi, and signed books until I hallucinated from the Sharpie fumes.  I will write all about this in the next few days and it is going to be a massive post.  So, be ready for that.

2.  I am on Twitter now.  Does anyone here do that?  If anyone's interested in following me, I'm at  http://twitter.com/benesch

3.  Thanks for the tremendous response to the Sophomore Undercover Video Game.  Website traffic has really surged the last few days, and I know it's because of you awesome people spreading the word. 

So thanks, guys.  I really appreciate all the help. 

And a special thanks to Adam Rex and Katie Darby for blogging about the game, and to Jim Richmond for posting on so many message boards.  That was tremendous.