The Ben Esch Website

And you better believe I have some deep thoughts on this. 

Before we get into any of the nitty or the gritty, let me explain the basics of the situation:  Barnes and Noble has started posting "age appropriateness" scores next to some of the books on their website.  A group called "Common Sense Media" is doing the scoring, and they rank whether a book is in the green (age appropriate) in the yellow (iffy whether the intended age group can handle it) or red (any sentence will make your head explode and/or turn Communist at first glance). 

There's a really good article about this on Salon in regards to Judy Blume's "Are You there God, It's Me Margaret." 

Basically, Common Sense Media listed her book as "questionable" (the controversial yellow zone) for the age bracket because of, and I quote "mentions of Playboy, kissing, menstruation, bras, [and] emerging sexuality." 

Now at what age do they think the fragile mind of the child is ready to read about bras and Playboy?  14 to 17.  I shit you not. 

I know it's gotta be tough for any group to figure out the age appropriateness for a book, but really?  14 to 17?  17 like you're a senior in high school?  17 like you can sign up for the military?  17 like you can get a super douchey dye job and listen to Limp Bizkit (author's note: at least that's what I did when I was 17). 

Going by this scale, kids shouldn't be allowed to read Sophomore Undercover until they're 45, and by that point, my readers will probably be a little too worried about mortgage payments and upcoming prostate exams to appreciate the delicate humor and locker room hijinks. 

The worst part about this whole thing is that the Common Sense Media rating is just staring at you right in the face when you go to the Barnes and Noble website.  Not every parent is gonna have time to think through whether little Sally's 12 year old psyche can handle some "emerging sexuality" and "bra" talk.  No, they're just gonna see that the book is in the dreaded red or yellow zone, and buy them something that isn't offensive. 

But do you want to know what's offensive?  Every other goddamn thing that a 12 year old is exposed to in the media.  If we're gonna keep kids away from Judy Blume because it's too racy, well, that's insane, but I'd be willing to go along with it if we had the same standards for video games, TV, movies and the Internet.  There's quite a bit of material about "emerging sexuality" on those things too, but I think Judy Blume covers it with a bit more grace than the Jersey Shore.  

Getting kids to read is difficult enough already.  Let's not keep them from some really great books just because of a little menstruation and Playboy talk. 

NOTE: 

Sophomore Undercover didn't get rated by Common Sense Media, so that kept my righteous indignation in check a bit.  I don't want to beg or anything, but what does a fella have to do to get a little negative attention from a parent's group?

Hey readers,

So a couple of weeks ago, me and Michael "The Situation" Reisman (the guy who wrote the very cool Simon Bloom books), did a talk about writing for boys at Flintridge Bookstore.  It was a good time, and I know I promised that I'd tell you guys about we talked about, and that's still totally gonna happen, but in the meantime, I want to share some even better advice about writing for both boys AND girls that I found over at Pen and Ink. 

Supposedly, this column ran in a children's literature magazine back in the 50s, and goddamn if this isn't brilliant.  A big thanks to Lupe Fernandez for posting this. 

The link to the article on Pen and Ink is here, and for those of you who are too lazy to click over, I'm going to enable your sloth by posting the article right here:


"How To Write Books for Boys and Girls"

"Always portray the military, politicians and religious figures in a positive way. Remember, these responsible authority figures keep Americans safe against atheists, beatniks and Communists.

"The family in your story should consist of married parents. Divorce has no place in reading material of teens. Broken homes make them nervous and might put unnecessary worries in their heads about whether Mom and Dad are getting along. While many classic stories feature orphans, today’s modern family is more educated and healthy, and orphans are old fashioned characters.

"Dad should always work in an office or to a responsible job like a fireman or a policeman. Fathers should never be an unemployed loafer or a union organizer. Mothers should always be homemakers. Mother’s who work in offices set a bad example for impressionable girls.

"Boy characters should have healthy, manly hobbies like playing baseball, collecting bubble gum cards, and outdoor camping. Girls should like sewing, cooking and talking with other girls about like clothes and boys. Activities that keep boys inside like reading, writing or thinking are not suitable role models for young men. Those are girl activities. On the other hand, too much physical exercise by girl characters would be unrealistic and your reader would lose interest. If your story has a Tomboy, make sure she is not a major character. Make the Tomboy a supporting character who longs to act like a real girl.

"Dress your characters in appropriate clothing. Boys: short sleeve shirts (only puny boys who spend too much time reading in their rooms wear long sleeve shirts), loose, comfortable pants with pockets and Keds sneakers with tied laces.

"Girls: ankle-length skirts (absolute no pants), Mary Jane shoes (only girls with loose morals wear high heels unless attending special occasions like a funeral or a wedding), hair tied in a pony tail or neatly trimmed.

"Language is very important. As boys and girls are often not in control of their feelings, they make many exclamations of surprise.

"Appropriate phrases:
'Jeepers!'
'Golly!'
'Holy Moley!'

"Inappropriate phrases:
'Crazy man!'
'What a gasser!'
'Kookie!'

"Never show a boy and a girl holding hands unless accompanied by an adult or riding in a hay wagon with other boys and girls.

"Never have a girl romanced by a foreigner, especially greasers, scratch-backs, potatoes, pachucos, fruitpickers, or braceros.

"If your story is a crime mystery, make sure your youngsters deal with bunco artists, robbers, or counterfeiters. Never put your youngsters in peril with murderers or social deviants.

"Everybody likes a good ghost story, but stories with supernatural happenings should be confined to misunderstood blithe spirits, college fraternity pranks or escaped convicts in disguise.

"If you follow these tips, your story is sure to be a delight to boys and girls everywhere, and stand the test of time just like the classics you read as a youth.

"End your story with a good, hearty laugh at the dinner table. Perhaps, Skippy the family dog runs through the house chasing Fluffy, the neighbor’s cat.

"These are a few tips for a good writing and wholesome reading."

END OF BATSHIT INSANE/KINDA RACIST ARTICLE

Pretty cool, eh?  I didn't understand quite a few of the words in there, and I still can't figure the connection between girls not wearing Mary Janes (whatever the hell those are) and being sluts, but still, that was an entertaining read. 

I'm gonna write about the stuff me and Michael talked about in my next blog, but just as a warning, none of our stuff is half this entertaining and only a quarter as sexist besides.  So, be sure to adjust your expectations accordingly. 

Hey readers,

I know a lot of you guys are writers and as writers, when we get together, our conversations usually tend toward the same topics: 

1.  Is Costco hiring? 
2.  God I wish I had written something about vampires. 
3.  How in the hell do you get an agent? 

Let's focus on #3 for a second here.  When I was first starting out with the writing, I didn't think about agents or publishing that much.  Mainly, I was just happy to be telling a story and all that other fruity artistic stuff, and I figured that I'd worry about the business parts of it later. 

But there was one day, I'm not sure when, I think I might have been about two hundred or so into Sophomore Undercover, when I decided to do a little internet research into how I was going to turn all these words into a jet ski. 

So I Googled "how to get an agent"...and holy shit was that depressing. 

I couldn't find any straight information, and spent the next five hours figuring out how long I could live off of six hundred dollars in Eastern Europe. 

But after I calculated that the plane ticket to Estonia would leave me with approximately 15 dollars, and deciding that it was probably a lot easier to be a hobo if I knew the language, I got back to writing. 

A few months later, I finished the book and I decided to go about finding an agent again, but this time I had a website.  I think my brother found this one for me, and thank god he did, because this site is awesome.  www.agentquery.com. 

Now, agentquery has every agent in the business listed, and you have one of two choices here: 

Your choices (as represented by a dating analogy)

1.  Be the asshole at the bar who throws a weak pickup line at every girl who passes. 

We've all seen this guy.  Hell, we've all probably been this guy at one point or another (author's note to younger readers: stay away from any drink that has "malt" in the title and isn't a delicious chocolaty beverage), but this is no way to start your new career as a writer. 

Don't send your query letter to every single agent on the website.  Don't send mass emails with fifty agents CC'd (this actually happens).  Don't send your romantic vampire query to an agent who specializes in historical non-fiction. 

Instead, be the guy who: 

2.  Studies the room, finds the person sitting at the bar who is the perfect match, and then slides over and then says something flawlessly written, completely relevant, and with enough of a hook to keep the conversation going. 

Okay, my bar analogy is kinda falling apart, but I think you get the idea.  Here are some key points: 

1.  Figure out what kind of book you wrote: the genre, other books that are like it in the market, other books that are your influences. 
2.  Do some research on agentquery and google to find out who represents the kinds of books that you both A) really dig and B) are similar to your book. 
3.  Get a list of the agents that you think would be a great fit for you. 
4.  Write a goddamn brilliant query letter.
5.  Jet ski.  

Number 4 really deserves a few thousands words on its own, so lets leave that alone for now. 

Point being, you should really do some research to find the agent that would be perfect for you.  Because even though they need to choose you, you also need to choose them.  Think of this as a marriage (author's note: disregard the fact that I've never been married. This advice is still gold).  You don't want to just take the first person that will have you, you want to find the person that you will be a good fit with for the rest of your (professional) life. 

That's not to say that there might not be some rocky times and/or divorce, but if you do your research ahead of time, then you're a lot more likely to find yourself in a happy partnership. 


Here's my story: 

I read King Dork by Frank Portman (awesome, awesome book) and I thought that my book was kinda similar.  I looked in the acknowledgments and saw that Frank thanked his agent "Steven Malk."  I did a little research on Steve on agent query and Google, saw that he represented some other authors that I really dug, and figured I'd give it a shot.

I sent him my query letter.  He liked it.  And seven months of revisions and a whole lot of emails letter, we signed the papers and made it legal. 

Steve is a really great agent and it's been great working with him.  Seven Impossible Things Before Breakfast just ran an interview with him the other day, and you guys should check it out.  He's got an interesting back story and it was cool to learn about his journey to becoming an agent. 

The INTERVIEW IS HERE. 

Okay, my hands are cramping and I gotta go drive to Santa Monica to talk at a panel for the California English Teacher's Convention.  So, you know that's gonna be a party. 

Me and Michael "Simon Bloom: The Gravity Keeper" Reisman are going to be doing a writing workshop this Sunday. 

We're going to be talking about how to write for a guy audience (author's note: I'm pretty sure the majority of this audience will be watching the Super Bowl) and there's gonna be plenty of high level advice and knowledge darts flying around, so be ready for that.  Also, they have some really nice scones in the attached coffee shop.  And the first person to come up and ask for a scone gets one courtesy of benjaminesch.com.  Just don't be greedy and get one of the fancy ones with fruit and sprinkles and stuff.  I'm not made of money.

Here's the details on the workshop: 

When:  Sunday, February 7th at 4 PM. 
Where:  Flintridge Bookstore in lovely La Canada/Flintridge, California. 
What:  Me and Michael Reisman talking about writing. 
Should I RSVP?  Yes, totally.  Send an email to catherineL@flintridgebooks.com. 

Now, I realize that most of you who read this blog either A) don't live in California or B) would prefer to watch football, so I'll be posting a recap of all the stuff we talk about.  But, for those of you who feel like some writerly good times on a Sunday afternoon, I will see you there.