The Ben Esch Website

There were three things I loved as a kid: 

1.  Dinosaurs. 
2.  Cartoons. 
3.  Cartoons about dinosaurs. 

And yet, I somehow missed the 1987 gem "Dinosaucers": 

Holy crap!  I'm getting goose bumps.  This show had every element for the perfect 80's cartoon: 

--Dinosaurs                                                                           
--Kids in matching jackets            
--Space travel                                       
--flying motorcycles                             
--gloves with holes for the fingers                  

How could I have missed this show?  All I did in 1987 was watch cartoons.  Hell, I hadn't even started Kindergarten yet, so it wasn't like I was hurting for free time. 

Here it is again with some choice voice over work. 

And how hasn't this been made into a movie yet?  I guarantee this would make money.  Just think about "Transformers."  Are you thinking about it yet?  Good, now instead of robots, I want you to switch in some dinosaurs.  Okay, the dinosaurs don't change into cars or anything, but besides that, I think you can see what I'm getting at. 

Also, you will be humming the "Dinosaucers" theme for the next several hours.  That's my gift to you. 

Adam Rex is growing a mustache for charity over on his blog (author's note: he even looks good with a mustache.  Is there anything this man can't do?). 

This got me to thinking about my own facial hair.  I've been experimenting with facial hair quite a bit over the last few years.  Let me take you through the timeline: 

7th grade:  I attempt to grow a mustache, and after six months, eventually get a sporadic formation of greasy hairs under my lip. 

Did chicks dig it?  No.  Dear God no. 

Why did you shave it off?  Public shaming. 

Author's note:  My mustache looked something like this when I was 13, though at no point in my life have I ever been as cool as Adam Morrison. 

12th grade:  Having developed into a enough of a man to grow some legit facial hair, I decide it would be really cool to rock an Amish chin strap. 

Did chicks dig it?  Only slightly more than my 7th grade mustache. 

Why did you shave it off?    It really takes an Amish woman to appreciate the chinstrap, and unfortunately there weren't too many of those in my hometown.  Plus, I really like electricity.  There would be a lot of problems for any potential relationship. 

Author's note 1:  That is not actually me, but a fair representation of my facial hair at the time. 
Author's note 2: I also had blond highlights when I rocked the chin strap .  And yes, it looked just as douchey as you imagine. 
Author's note 3:  I am loving that guy's hat. 

From 2002 to mid 2008:  No facial hair. 

Did chicks dig it: Somewhere between the Amish chin strap and seventh grade mustache.  Yeah...these were some difficult years. 

A sad, lonely man.  Nice picture of me, though.  Sonya Sones did that.  Yes, THE Sonya Sones. 

Three glorious months in 2008:  The beard.

It's kind of a strange emotion to be proud of something your face did, but my God does that beard look awesome.  I imagine this is what it must feel like to watch your kid play little league, except your kid is actually really good at baseball so you don't have to pretend to be happy that your son throws like a chick. 

Yes.  That is exactly what it is like having a beard. 

Did chicks dig it?  Little known fact: there is a certain type of girl that really likes a guy with a full beard.  Granted, most of these women live in Montana, but still, it feels like I'm making progress. 

Why did you shave it?  Because I'm afraid of true happiness...

I've been working on growing the beard back for a few weeks now, and this is always an awkward time with facial hair.  You go from slight stubble, to Don Johnson "that looks pretty cool stubble", to "homeless person showering in the sink at the bus station" stubble, and then you spend a few days in an interesting phase that I like to call the "80's movie villain stubble": 

Do you see it?  Okay, what if I slicked back my hair. 

Sexy.  Dangerous.  Scratchy. 

As an added bonus, I think this makes me look a little bit like Sylvester Stallone in Cobra.

And that's pretty cool. 

When I was in college, I used to work the graveyard shift as a security guard.  Besides having to wear polyester pants (not flattering for my body type) and the constant delirium of sleep deprivation, it was a pretty sweet gig.

One of the best parts of the job (besides the nightly trip to Jack in the Box for dollar tacos) was playing flash games in the break room.  Divine Intervention was one of my favorite games from that time, and I spent a solid week of my lunches trying to kill that huge flying-trash-monster thing at the end of the second level.  Anyway, this game is awesome.  You will love it.

Reasons that Divine Intervention kicks ass:

1.  You are a priest with an uzi that kills zombies.  Go ahead and read that sentence again.
2.  You can shoot that annoying little guy in a white suit who gives you the gun upgrade at the end of the first level.  For some reason I always found that satisfying.
3.   There is a flying-trash-monster

Don't play this at work or school, as it is insanely violent.  Unless your work is cool with that kind of stuff, in which case, bravo on your career choices.

Click here to play Divine Intervention.  The game is hosted at the incredible www.newgrounds.com

So, I decided to take the blog in a slightly different direction the other day with some videos of me singing about Thanksgiving. 

It did not go over particularly well. 

As evidence, here is an actual email from my parents: 

Maybe funny to someone, but not up to prior blog standards.  Keep your day job and don't plan a singing career.

Love:  Dad and Mom

Ouch.

Sorry blog readers, I will try to do better in the future. 

Unless you liked the singing...because I can totally do more of that. 

In case any of you wanted to witness the creative pressure cooker that lead to "Feliz Dia de Gracias" or just wanted to hear Doyle sing Oasis, I present Thanksgiving video #2:  the outtakes

Happy Thanksgiving!  Me and Doyle wanted to record a song to show how thankful we are for you, the readers: 

Thanks again, blog readers.  I love you. 

Blog reader and comedic genius Jim Richmond sent an email to the woman who is running the Ebay auction for my book.  Enjoy.

Hello (name deleted),

I am into collecting rare books. This book looks pretty rare, I couldn't find much about either the author or the title online. Can you tell me a little more about the book?

I see that the book comes out in 2009, that is pretty futuristic. Do you know the author? If I win the auction can I give you an extra $20 to have the author sign this copy?

I am excited to hear back from you,
Jim

Bravo, Jim Richmond, bravo.  You just earned yourself a free copy of "Sophomore Undercover" and/or a gift certificate for a free shoulder rub.  Your pick, buddy. 

Also, I just checked the Ebay auction and the opening bid is still 99 cents...just like it was two days ago.  So...just throwing that out there.  

Author's note:  Please don't make me bid on my own book.  I'm pretty new to this writing thing, but I know that's a really sad thing to do.  I don't want to go down that road.  Just look at me: 

Can't you see this Ebay auction is tearing me apart?  Please world, show me that I'm worth at least 99 cents.   Bid here. 
End of author's note.    

Who likes Ska?

Who likes Norway? 

For the three people who answered "yes" to both of those questions, I would like to present Focolift.

These guys are huge in Oslo. 

So, I was googling "ben esch" the other day. 

Wait...maybe I should stop there and address a few things: 

1.  Yes, I realize exactly how sad it is that I google my own name. 
2.  I'm going to keep doing it, anyway. 

Moving on. 

So, I was googling "ben esch" the other day and something interesting came up: 

That right there is an ebay auction.  For my book.  My book that isn't going to be coming out for another three months.

Let's look a little closer: 

Whoa...

I have a couple of thoughts here. 

1.  99 cents seems like a pretty low opening bid for my book. 
2.  Somebody better bid on this thing, or my self esteem is going to be crushed. 

So, if any of you readers out there want to get your hands on an advance reader copy of my book a full three months before the release of "Sophomore Undercover" I suggest you get on this thing.  I guarantee that you will get a full 99 cents of enjoyment.  

Click here to bid on "Sophomore Undercover."  

Kung Fu" was one of the first games I remember for the original Nintendo.  Mainly I just remember that this bastard was hard.  And that dwarfs attacked you by hugging your leg.  Ah, the simple batshit insanity of old 8-bit games.  I miss those days. 

Anyway, "Kung Fu Remix" is awesome for the following reasons:
1.   Jump kicks make the enemies heads fly off in a spray of red pixels and I think that's neat. 
2.   Punching someone in the dick  gets a fairly accurate reaction...I guess.  Nobody's ever really punched me in the dick before.  Either way, it's entertaining to watch it in the video game. 
3.   There's specials moves...supposedly. 

Yeah, too many midgets humped my leg and killed me before I could figure out how to do the special moves.   This game is still ridiculously hard.  But, there's still enough heads flying around and dick punching to keep things interesting. 

Play "Kung Fu Remix" here.    I found this, and a bunch of other neat games at www.classicarcadegames.com