The Ben Esch Website

My resolutions for 2009: 

1.  Make dixienguyen.com the best author website in the universe. 
2.  Lose ten pounds.
3.  Get over my fear of raccoons. 
4.  Oprah. 

Thanks for a great 2008, everybody. 

You know, I always thought that cute animals deserved to be taken down a peg or two

And luckily, the guys over at "Eff You Penguin" (NSFW) feel the same way. 

This guy gets lit up.  Bad.   

Enjoy.   

Author's note: the level of profanity on this site is somewhere between Glengarry Glen Ross and early Eddie Murphy stand up...for those of you who keep track of that kind of stuff.   

In case you were wondering, I would totally support somebody doing a puppet version of "Sophomore Undercover."  Just FYI.   

I mean, this "Twilight" version turned out pretty good. 

And while we're on the subject of vampires and puppets, I thought you guys might enjoy this.  So, enjoy it. 

Okay readers...

This is the final installment of "The Sal and Einar Show." 

Watch it.  Don't watch it.  I don't really care.  I'm a little too disillusioned from the lack of reader response to these videos to really care about anything anymore.

But if I had one holiday wish.  Just one perfect holiday wish, do you know what I'd wish for? 

My holiday wish: I'd wish for you to pre-order multiple copies of my book "Sophomore Undercover" (author's note: and at the "too-good-to-be-true" price of $10.87 who can resist such a bargain?)

But if I had a second holiday wish, it would be for you to watch this video.

Ladies and gentlemen, for the last time, "The Sal and Einar Show" : 

There, wasn't that awesome? 

And I kinda lied about this being the final episode.  There's a rumor that the director has a couple more of these on his hard drive, and if there's enough of a groundswell of "Sal and Einar" fan support, I think he can be persuaded to post a couple more. 

So come on readers.  Write "I love Sal and Einar" in the comments section below, and the director just might come out of hiding and grace us with more of the adventures of Sal and Einar and their cross cultural bromanitc hijinks. 

(Author's note:  the director is a bit of a recluse.  Kind of like Roman Polanksi.  Just, you know, without the pedophilia charges and whatnot). 

Come on readers!  We can do this!  

From all of us at dixienguyen.com, to all of you: 

Happy holidays! 

And since I have neither the money nor inclination to send you guys a real present, I decided to do something even better...give you the gift of laughter. 

Enjoy. 

Or someone that kinda looked like Meatloaf, but in either case, this was the most exciting thing that has happened to me in the last few months. 

Author's note:  Meatloaf is the one on the right. 

And in case you were wondering what the voice of an angel sounds like, give this a listen. 

As an added bonus, this song is set to some highlights from the 1987 television series "Beauty and the Beast."  Starring Sarah Conner and Ron Perlman as a lion-monster thing with really great hair.  Enjoy. 

Half man.  Half lion.  All sexy.
   

You all know how much I love Captain EO. 

So when I heard there was a bootleg version of Captain EO with a bunch of guys in creepy Disney character costumes, I expected it to be the most awesome thing in the world. 

And then I saw the video. 

And it was even more awesome than that.  

And since I'm technically an employee of the Disney corporation, I'm pretty sure I can post this without getting sued.   

Ladies and gentlemen, "Captain Eore."     

Author's note:  You're welcome.
 

My lawyer has told me to stop posting about D.J Fitzgerald and his cat book. 

And I slapped him right in his stupid face. 

Ladies and Gentlemen, the collected postings of D.J Fitzgerald: 

Daniel J. Fitzgerald

Thu, 18 Dec 2008 09:22:36

I'm a little concerned about the legality of this blog post. The cat joke book was for one my idea. You are already a very successful author, why do you feel the need to steal book ideas from up and coming authors? This has really raised some concerns about the manuscript i emailed to you. does anyone know a lawyer who covers these types of issues? I've invested all of my savings and my grandma has put in quite a bit of money for research for this book. Don't you dare steal my idea!

Second. I don't need help writing my book, actually I'm doing quite well. The book is hilarious. There is no way you could pay me a million dollars to put these foul jokes in my book. My book will be a family friendly project that aims to celebrate cats, not further the torcher and abuse towards cats that is so commonly found in today's media.

Back in Egypt cats were like princes and worshiped. The mission of this book is to bring this frame of thought back into mainstream culture.

Please no copycats.

Daniel J. Fitzgerald

Thu, 18 Dec 2008 10:57:17

Since Ben Esch is to big time to help an up and comer break into this tough profession anyone want to give me any advice in getting an agent?

Oh, and these jokes are so elementary. They all trivialize cats and their magnificent personalities. Cats are not lazy and good for nothing they are gods creatures!

Ben, I bet more than a few of your readers own an aweful t-shirt with cat's butts silkscreened on the front. Not the kind of readers a blog I would have would have.

Daniel J. Fitzgerald

Thu, 18 Dec 2008 11:10:56

Sandra, that book is already being done by me. I also am in the begining stages of writing a childrens book about a sophisticated British cat fellow who lives in high society and eats fancy people food and lives like a stock broker. So don't bother with your book idea, it's already taken. Think of your own idea please!

Daniel J. Fitzgerald

Thu, 18 Dec 2008 13:45:25

Mr. Murphy,
Are all writers this territorial? I see that you are also a successful writer with your own website ($$$). Can you just give me your agents email address so i can send him my manuscript? If it's confidential i promise i won't tell him where i got it if he asks.

I'm getting very nervous that now Mr. Esch has publicized my idea on the internet some inscruplious author who is already established, will steal it and get all the fame and fortune.

P.S. I think the tone of your last comment came off as rude/disrespectful. I don't know if you have the ability to go and edit it so it sounds a little bit more polite.

According to Google images, this is the only known photograph of Daniel J. Fitzgerald.

Wow. 

Daniel J. Fitzgerald, thank you for giving all of us at dixienguyen.com so much joy and happiness.  Please don't sue us.  We just want you to have the best possible joke book about cats that you can. 

As a sign of our gratitude, and in hopes of avoiding any further legal action, we would like to present Mr. Daniel J. Fitzgerald with the "dixienguyen.com person of the week." 

Hizzah! 

Note: due to the crippling number of entries, the announcement of the cat joke competition will be delayed another week.  Entries will be accepted until Christmas day.  And yes, I will be working on Christmas day.  Why?  Because I love you more than the Post Office, that's why. 
 

The response to the cat jokes competition has been really impressive.  So impressive, in fact, that we have even got some attention from a bonafide internet celebrity. 

Ladies and gentlemen:  Cheetah lady: 

Author's note:  Wow. 

Does anyone else think she'd make a great celebrity judge? 

A lot of people have asked me what I was like as a kid. 

I think this video about sums it up: 

Author's note:  I would trade it all--the book contract, the fame, the tens of loyal fans, everything--to be able to dunk like this kid.  

I found this video over at Club Trillion.  Remember a few days ago how I said With Leather was the funniest sports blog in the universe?  Club Trillion might be better.