There has been a big increase in the amount of comments on dixienguyen.com the last few weeks, and though I love each and every comment that has been posted (Author's note: yes, even the ones that creeped me out) I want to recognize D.J Fitz for his blog commenting brilliance.  Enjoy:  


Ben,

You give me inspiration and hope. I've been working on publishing a book on original cat jokes. So far my manuscript has approx. 15 pages worth of serious A-Class orginal material. It's all family friendly. This has been a work in progress for the last 7 years. I had to scratch a lot of the jokes after the musical cats fell off the mainstream radar. I think in another 6 months i will be ready to shop this around. What are your suggestions for me? I want to get published and maybe someday also win an award. Can you help? Will you pass this on to your agent? Can we do lunch?

D.J. Fitz


Bravo, D.J.  Bravo. 

I'm not going to send this to my agent, and no, we can't have lunch together, but D.J, I'm going to do something even better for you: I'm going to wield the collective power of dixienguyen.com to get you some cat jokes. 

Readers, let's help D.J. finish this book.  Submit your favorite cat jokes in the comments.  And yes, there will be prizes. 

Second runner up:  A personalized certificate of achievement. 

First runner up:  A personalized certificate of achievement AND your joke will be posted on dixienguyen.com

The cat joke champion:  A personalized certificate of achievement AND your joke will be read by Ben Esch on dixienguyen.com. 

Note:  The winners will be determined by Ben Esch, and anyone else desperate enough to serve as a celebrity judge.   Also, does anyone know any celebrities?
 

 

There are three things that are almost never funny: 

1.  Soccer. 
2.  Interpretive dance. 
3.  Germany. 

Yet somehow, when they're all mixed together, something truly magical happens: 

Wow.  I had always kind of assumed that it would have sucked to be alive during the 70s, but this video has gone a long way to change my mind. 

I found this video over at withleather.com (a.k.a the funniest sports blog in the universe).
 

 

So the 2004 Shawn and Marlon Wayans vehicle "White Chicks" was on TV last night. 

Yes, the one where they go undercover as white women.
 

Author's note: this picture is disturbing on many levels. 

I was about to change the channel to find a rerun of American Gladiators or really anything else besides a goddamn Wayans brothers movie, but then something unexpected happened:


I laughed for a solid five minutes after I watched that clip, and this made me realize a number of unsettling truths: 

1.  A Wayans brothers movie made me laugh (author's note: and this isn't even A team Wayans brothers.  This is Shawn and Marlon for the love of God!.)
2.  I started chuckling when I re-watched the clip on youtube, so last night wasn't an isolated incident.
3.  I have absolutely no idea what's wrong with me. 

Sorry readers, but I think my ability to recognize humor is broken.  I'm just as troubled about this as your are.  

If that clip made anyone else laugh, please let me know that I'm not alone.  I'm in a very dark and lonely place right now. 

You can even email me so that this stays private.  I really need a friend right now. 

Oh, and has anyone seen "Little Man?"  Because that's looking pretty good to me right now. 

 

Good news, readers! 

dixienguyen.com has been named the blog of the week over at Alice's CWIM.

This is awesome!  I'm finally an award winning writer!  I effing rule!  

(Author's note:  Sorry.  I kinda don't handle positive recognition all that well.  If I ever win the Printz I'm probably gonna end up spiking the trophy and flipping off Sherman Alexie.) 


(Author's note to the Printz committee:  Uhh...I was just kidding about that last thing.  Seriously.  Please don't let this influence your vote.) 


(Author's note to Sherman Alexie:  I loved Smoke Signals.  Wait...there's no goddamn way Sherman Alexie reads my blog.)

Anyway, please cruise over to Alice's blog and check out the feature and the rest of her very cool website.  The link is here

Alice said I looked "cute" in this picture.  And I think that's awesome.
 

 

Danny W asked:  What was the best thing before sliced bread? 

Ben answers:  Not having the plague. 

 

I want you to imagine that chimney sweep/one man band guy from Mary Poppins with all the drums and trumpets and stuff stapled to his clothes. 

Now I want you to imagine him as a pretty girl. 

And she's in a kitchen for some reason. 

Great...you're now ready for Theresa Andersson: 


I found this video and some really crunchy mix tapes over at www.haizeeland.blogspot.com

 

Is anyone else bothered that Tom Hanks not only has a myspace page, but regularly blogs on it, too.  I mean, this is Tom Hanks for god's sake.  The man won an Oscar for Philadelphia!  Shouldn't he be doing something a bit more dignified with his time than approving friend requests from Jimmy Buffet tribute bands and Tila Tequila?

Yes, this guy. 


Look, I'm not judging him for wanting to blog or whatever, but why does he have to do it on Myspace?  Let's just stop for a second and think about the types of people who regularly update their myspace account: 

1.  People who want to sell stuff (this is me). 
2.  People with sexy webcam pictures that Myspace won't allow them to show (this is not me). 
3.  People who are fifteen. 
4.  Tom Hanks. 

Okay, which of those doesn't belong? 

I mean, I could understand if Tom was just starting out as an actor and wanted to connect with a broader audience or something, but come on!  There's a goddamn chain of awful seafood restaurants named after one of the characters he played in a movie.  I'm guessing this means world wide "Tom Hanks recognition levels" are still pretty high. 

Author's note:  you don't want to go here.  You really don't. 


I'm not mad at Tom Hanks...I'm just confused.
 

 

Hey guys, here's the first in a series of vlogs about my book.  I hope you enjoy it. 

Author’s note:  Did you like it?  Great.  Now, if you’re not busy, why not send the youtube video to all your friends?  Come on.  Don’t think about it, just do it.  I really need to have one of these videos go viral so I can move some product and buy a flat screen.  Wall*E just doesn’t really “pop” on a sixteen inch tv/vcr combo.
 

 

Apparently there's some guy named Ben Esch who has been posting karate videos on youtube.  I give you exhibit A: 

Author's note:  I'd recommend against watching this video.  I mean, you wouldn't think that two guys in Darth Vader helmets going prison yard on each other could get boring after thirty seconds, but there you have it.  Plus, dude in the black helmet starts doing this weird "crotch grab and hop" move toward the end of the video, and I am convinced that isn't part of any legitimate martial art.  Anyway, you've been warned.
 

So, to eliminate any confusion, I want to officially state that I am NOT the Ben Esch who posted the karate videos.  This is a different Ben Esch entirely, and barring any significant changes in the creative direction of the website, "Ben Esch the karate guy" will be in no way affiliated with www.dixienguyen.com

Question:  "But if I ever meet someone named Ben Esch, how will I know if he's Ben Esch the writer or Ben Esch the karate guy?"

Answer:  Ben Esch the writer won't kick you in the face. 

I hope this clears everything up.
 

 

My brother went as a LOL Cat for Halloween, and I don't think his costume got anywhere near the recognition it deserved. 

L to R:  Ben as Winona Ryder, Doyle as LOL cat, Moises as guy in a cool leather jacket.  (Author's note:  Moises kinda mailed in his costume this year) 


And I'm ashamed to say it, but I was a doubter about his costume from the start.  At the time, I thought my arguments were valid: 

My arguments against the costume

1.  "Dude, don't staple a headless stuffed animal to your shirt...people are gonna think you're a serial killer." 

Well, that was pretty much the extent of my argument, but the end result was actually far less creepy than I expected. 

Author's note: not creepy at all. 


So here's to you, LOL Brother.  For your bravery, creative zest, and immaculately trimmed facial hair, you are awarded the inaugural dixienguyen.com "Person of the Week."   

Author's note: the stuffed animal head is currently the cover for my putter.  We are firm believers in the "circle of life" here at dixienguyen.com


Please send nominations for future "Persons of the Week" to benjamin.esch@gmail.com