The blog comment of the year. Also, I need your cat jokes.

12/17/2008

There has been a big increase in the amount of comments on dixienguyen.com the last few weeks, and though I love each and every comment that has been posted (Author's note: yes, even the ones that creeped me out) I want to recognize D.J Fitz for his blog commenting brilliance. Enjoy:

Ben,

You give me inspiration and hope. I've been working on publishing a book on original cat jokes. So far my manuscript has approx. 15 pages worth of serious A-Class orginal material. It's all family friendly. This has been a work in progress for the last 7 years. I had to scratch a lot of the jokes after the musical cats fell off the mainstream radar. I think in another 6 months i will be ready to shop this around. What are your suggestions for me? I want to get published and maybe someday also win an award. Can you help? Will you pass this on to your agent? Can we do lunch?

D.J. Fitz

Bravo, D.J. Bravo.

I'm not going to send this to my agent, and no, we can't have lunch together, but D.J, I'm going to do something even better for you: I'm going to wield the collective power of dixienguyen.com to get you some cat jokes.

Readers, let's help D.J. finish this book. Submit your favorite cat jokes in the comments. And yes, there will be prizes.

Second runner up: A personalized certificate of achievement.

First runner up: A personalized certificate of achievement AND your joke will be posted on dixienguyen.com

The cat joke champion: A personalized certificate of achievement AND your joke will be read by Ben Esch on dixienguyen.com.

Note: The winners will be determined by Ben Esch, and anyone else desperate enough to serve as a celebrity judge. Also, does anyone know any celebrities?

67 Comments

Mark

12/17/2008 01:03:39 pm

So I am completely sure that this joke will get DJ Fitz's book on the top of the New York Times best seller list in no time:

What do you get when you cross a feline and a CB radio?

A CAT scanner!

Brian Trust

12/17/2008 01:38:50 pm

Fitz, What do you call 100,000 cats at the bottom of the ocean?

A GOOD START.

Lisa Nowak link

12/17/2008 02:23:42 pm

I don't have a cat joke, but I have a holiday cat song that people have told me is a hoot. You can see the video and read the lyrics on my blog.

Ridley Rock

12/17/2008 04:31:58 pm

What's the toughest cat in the city?

The Ali Cat.

Darcy

12/18/2008 12:08:32 am

Brian Trust is my new favorite commenter. Cats = thumbs down.

Daniel J. Fitzgerald

12/18/2008 01:22:36 am

I'm a little concerned about the legality of this blog post. The cat joke book was for one my idea. You are already a very sucessful author, why do you feel the need to steal book ideas from up and coming authors? This has really raised some concerns about the manuscrip i emailed to you. does anyone know a lawyer who covers these types of issues? I've invested all of my savings and my grandma has put in quite a bit of money for research for this book. Don't you dare steal my idea!

Second. I don't need help writing my book, acutally i'm doing quite well. The book is hilarious. There is no way you could pay me a million dollars to put these foul jokes in my book. My book will be a family friendly project that aims to celebrate cats, not further the torcher and abuse towards cats that is so commonly found in today's media.

Back in Egypt cats were like princes and worshiped. The mission of this book is to bring this frame of thought back into mainstream culture.

Please no copycats.

Fancy Pantz link

12/18/2008 01:25:29 am

DJ Fitz is kinda lame. Ben is only trying to help you!

Joel link

12/18/2008 01:27:43 am

I will be at the Grand Sierra Resort & Casino on Decemeber 27th. Tix are still available.

p.s. Ben I love the blog and i'm looking forward to the book.

Watch the SOUP.

Did you hear about the cat who drank 5 bowls of water? He set a new lap record.
Did you hear about the cat who swallowed a ball of wool? She had mittens.
What is the difference between a cat and a comma? One has the paws before the claws and the other has the clause before the pause.
What do you get when you cross a chick with an alley cat? A peeping tom.
Why don't cats play poker in the jungle? Too many cheetahs.
What is a cat's favourite song? Three Blind Mice.
What did the freshman computer science major say when he was told that the work stations had mice? Don't you have a cat?
What is a cat's way of keeping law & order? Claw Enforcement.
How did a cat take first prize at the bird show? He just jumped up to the cage, reached in, and took it.
Why did a person with an unspayed female cat have to go to court? For kitty littering.
Why did the litter of communist kittens become capitalists? Because they finally opened their eyes.
Why are cats better than babies? Because you only have to change a litter box once a day.
What is the name of the unauthorized autobiography of the cat? Hiss and Tell.
What do you get when you cross an elephant with a cat? A big furry creature that purrs while it sits on your lap and squashes you.
What does a cat do when it gets mad? It has a hissy fit.
What do you call the cat that was caught by the police? The purrpatrator.
What happened when the cat went to the flea circus? He stole the whole show!
What is a cat's favourite colour? Purrrrrrrple!
Where does a cat go when it loses its tail? The retail store.
What does a cat like to eat on a hot day? A mice cream cone.
What do cats use to make coffee? A purrcolator.
What do you call a cat that has swallowed a duck? A duck filled fatty puss.
If lights run on electricity and cars run on gas, what do cats run on? Their paws.
Why is the cat so grouchy? Because he's in a bad mewd.
If there are ten cats on a boat and one jumps off, how many cats are left on the boat? None! They were copy cats.
Is it bad luck if a black cat follows you? That depends on whether you're a man or a mouse.
How does the cat get its own way? With friendly purrsuasion.
What do you call a cat that lives in an igloo? An eskimew.
What has more lives than a cat? A frog because it croaks every night.
What is a cat's favourite subject in school? HISStory.
What do cats like to eat for breakfast? Mice Krispies.
How do cats end a fight? They hiss and make up.
What's happening when you hear "woof... splat... meow... splat?" It's raining cats and dogs.
Why are cats such good singers? Because they're very mewsical.
What do you call newborn kittens who keep getting passed from owner to owner? Chain litter.
What is the cat's favourite magazine? Good Mousekeeping.
How many cats can you put into an empty box? Only one. After that, the box isn't empty.
Why do you always find the cat in the last place you look? Because you stop looking after you find it.
If a cat can jump five feet high, then why can't it jump through a three foot window? Because the window is closed.
What is a cat's favourite movie? "The Sound of Mewsic."
What does a cat that lives near the beach have in common with Christmas? Sandy Claws.
Where is one place that your cat can sit, but you can't? Your lap.
Why did the cat put oil on the mouse? Because it squeaked.
What side of the cat has the most fur? The OUT-side.
What is a cat's favourite car? The Catillac.
What kind of cat will keep your grass short? A Lawn Meower.
Why did the judge dismiss the entire jury made up of cats? Because each of them was guilty of purrjury.
What do you use to comb a cat? A catacomb.
Why did the cat run from the tree? Because it was afraid of the bark!
Why is it so hard for a leopard to hide? Because he's always spotted.

Marty

12/18/2008 01:31:57 am

Daniel Fitzgerald,
I hate to break it to you but your idea for a cat book is nothing new or original. This has already been done many times over http://www.amazon.com/s/ref=nb_ss_gw?url=search-alias%3Dstripbooks&field-keywords=cat+jokes .

I suggest that your next writing project focuses on armadillo jokes. Currently there are zero books on amazon that are entirely armadillo jokes.

Sammy

12/18/2008 01:33:01 am

Ben as someone brought up yesterday, you keep having all these contests, but never announce the winners!!!! Inquiring minds would like to know!!!

Frank Jones

12/18/2008 01:34:01 am

Anybody who doesn't know what soap tastes like never washed a cat

12/18/2008 02:37:10 am

OK, Joel wins. Probably better not to print my joke anyways as it might cause spontaneous combustion.

Ben Esch link

12/18/2008 02:49:05 am

Wow...

Now those are some cat jokes.

I'm gonna keep the contest open for a couple more days, and provided that I settle the various legal entanglements with D.J Fitzgerald, will announce the winners next week.

Great job, readers!

Missy

12/18/2008 02:50:51 am

Some people say that cats are sneaky, evil, and cruel.
True, and they have many other fine qualities as well

Purrfect

12/18/2008 02:52:26 am

Cat fitness really can be fun. However, it is important to start any fitness program only when you feel like it. Don't let a few extra pounds intimidate you into becoming more active. The most important aspect of fitness is: when to start the program. The best time is at about 2 a.m. The house is quiet; there are no distractions. The warm-up is critical. Cats are experts at stretching, so this won't be a problem. Start with a few wind sprints, full speed, toenails clicking on the tile or linoleum floors. A few low but loud growls will help you feel charged up.

Now it is time to add some eye-paw coordination work. Find a marble (the big steelies work even better) and roll that down the floor as the sprints continue. See how many times you can ricochet it off the wallboards before it disappears under the fridge. Finally, work on that upper body strength. Climbing is a great exercise. Use draperies, macramé plant hangers, or clothing on hangers. You can even find some carpeting on some basement walls. Backs of chairs work well, too.

Now put it all together. A speed sprint to the end of the hall! A race around the living room! Leap to the back of the rocking chair! Let the rebound launch you to the top of the swinging planter! Rock that baby! Feel those muscles work. Just as the hook pulls loose from the ceiling, dash to the bedroom and dive under the covers. Establish your alibi just in time to hear the crash of the plant to the floor below.

Have a good Work-Out!

12/18/2008 02:57:17 am

Since Ben Esch is to big time to help an up and comer break into this tough profession anyone want to give me any advice in getting an agent?

Oh, and these jokes are so elementary. They all trivialize cats and their magnificent personalities. Cats are not lazy and good for nothing they are gods creatures!

Ben, I bet more than a few of your readers own an aweful t-shirt with cat's butts silkscreened on the front. Not the kind of readers a blog I would have would have.

Windell Oskay

12/18/2008 03:01:38 am

Mister Esch,
This DJ Fitz guy is the kind of guy that gives cat enthusiasts a bad name.

I have been working on a book of how to build cat furniture out of cardboard at home. What would i have to give you to get me in touch with your agent?

Here is a sample of what I have in mind. This is copywrited. No ripoffs.

http://www.flickr.com/photos/oskay/2717355524/in/set-72157594170390035/

12/18/2008 03:03:08 am

Mr. Fitzgerald

I promise that sometime in the very near future I will do a whole long boring ass post full of websites and advice about finding an agent.

But for now, let's focus on getting you some cat jokes.

Ben

P.S

And what's the matter with having a cat t-shirt? My favorite shirt when I was a kid had a big cartoon of a cat with "life without cats would be a cat-astrophe!" I was also obese and had a mullet at this time.

Yeah...those were some lonely years.

sandra

12/18/2008 03:04:52 am

There are so many fun jokes and great book ideas on this blog post! keep up the good work!

I have a cat, mr. wrinkles, who always does the funniest things. he must have been a comidian in a past life. sometimes i like to make up silly voices and pretend he is saying cute things. a lot like LOL CATS but more high-brow. dj fitz has almost inspired me to start writing down some of these funny things i pretend mr. wrinkles says.

keep up the good work ben!

Jeff

12/18/2008 03:08:51 am

This blog post has been making it around both of my cat social circles. I'm excited for more jokes!

12/18/2008 03:10:56 am

Sandra, that book is already being done by me. I also am in the begining stages of writing a childrens book about a sophisticated British cat fellow who lives in high society and eats fancy people food and lives like a stock broker. So don't bother with your book idea, it's already taken. Think of your own idea please!

12/18/2008 03:16:02 am

WOW! i'm speechless!

mikey

12/18/2008 03:18:48 am

Hey, have you seen this cat pencil sharpener? Gross.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eBPWKS5p3z0&eurl=http://www.google.com/reader/view/&feature=player_embedded

Gwen

12/18/2008 03:22:19 am

I always thought Barny, Bush's dog should get his own tv show or book or blog.

http://www.whitehouse.gov/barney/

12/18/2008 03:25:18 am

Set your Tivos to record The Soup.

WHY CATS ARE BETTER THAN MEN

They’ll both stand outside your door and whine, but the cat will
stop when it gets in.

If a cat jumps into your lap, a little light petting will satisfy him.

The only thing a cat expects you to "put out" is food, water,
and a clean litter box.

A cat always comes in SOBER after being out all night.

When a cat goes to the toilet, he tries not to leave a trace.

You can put a bell around a cat’s neck so you know exactly where he is.

If you stroke a cat, he won’t leap on you for sex.

You don’t mind that much if a cat brings a different bird home every night.

When a cat comes in at mid-night, he doesn’t wake you up by bumping into every item of furniture.

Cats never pretend they know how to fix the VCR.

Cats don’t care what size your boobs are.

Cats still love you, even when your perm goes wrong.

Cats love rubbing up to your legs, however much cellulite you have.

Cats can be neutered if they stray.

It’s okay if a cat rubs up against your best friend.

A cat might actually listen to you.

You never have to spend time with your cat’s mother.

You’ve got a better chance of actually training a cat.

Cats are always cute.

A cat is never late for dinner.

Cats love to see you come home from shopping with lots of bags!

You’ll never get a call from your cat’s Ex.

A cat would never leave you for a younger women.

Cats treat your mom with respect.

Cats don’t worry about hair loss.

It feels nice to stroke a cat’s soft, fluffy fur.

A cat’s friend is less likely to be annoying.

Cats never show love without meaning it.

To buy a fancy dinner for a cat only costs $1.00

Cats actually think with their heads.

Unlike a man, a cat can fend for itself.

Cats comfort you when you are sick.

When a cat sleeps all day it’s natural, not annoying.

A cat matures as it grows older.

Back hair on cats is cute.

A cat is loyal.

"Meow" is never a lie.

Cats never want the shower first.

You can have sex with your cat in the room, and neither of you mind.

A cat never feels that they have to give you directions.

A cat never criticizes your driving.

wheeler link

12/18/2008 03:27:17 am

jesus christ ben!

12/18/2008 03:29:13 am

A Great Way To Clean Your Toilet!!!
Great Directions here for a real clean toilet!!! easy too!!!!

1. Lift both lids on your toilet bowl and add a couple of capfuls of shampoo to the water.

2. Go to the other room where the cat is sleeping, pick it up and soothe it while you carry it towards the bathroom.

3. In one smooth movement, put the cat in the toilet and close both lids (You may need to stand on the lid, afterwards). The cat will self agitate and make ample suds.
(Never mind the noises that come from the toilet, the cat is actually enjoying this.)

4. Flush the toilet three or four times.
(This provides a "power-wash" and "rinse")

5. Have someone open the closest door to the outside (Be sure that no one is between the toilet and the outside door.)

6. Stand behind the toilet as far as you can, and quickly lift both lids.

7. The cat will rocket out of the toilet and run outside where it will dry itself. After this procedure, both the toilet and the cat will be sparkling clean!

Sincerely,
The Dog

12/18/2008 03:30:03 am

Joel,
The Soup is one of favorite things to watch, ever. It is part of my weekend routine. Great cure for a hangover.

Maxine

12/18/2008 03:32:21 am

Why did the cat put oil on the mouse?

Because it squeaked.

12/18/2008 03:33:00 am

Did you hear about the cat who drank 5 bowls of water?

He set a new lap record.

12/18/2008 03:33:34 am

Why don't cats play poker in the jungle?

Too many cheetahs.

12/18/2008 03:34:13 am

Cat's motto: No matter what you've done wrong, always try to make it look like the dog did it.

12/18/2008 03:34:55 am

Q. Why do cats hate flying saucers?

A. Because they can't reach the milk.

Mary

12/18/2008 03:37:10 am

Dogs come when they're called; cats take a message and get back to you later.

12/18/2008 03:37:29 am

Ben,
Would you be interested in starting a cat blog with me?

Wheeler link

12/18/2008 03:39:36 am

how do you make a cat go woof?

soke it in gas and throw a match on it.

12/18/2008 03:40:34 am

These aren't quality cat jokes. Most of them are extremely vulgar and inhumane. I'm suprised my web filter has let 90% of these past.

Lady's Love Cool J

12/18/2008 03:42:03 am

I got a cat and he’s the best! here is a real cat joke!
This guy buys some Viagra and the bottle says TAKE ONE FOR A GOOD NIGHT OF PLEASURE! Well he does’nt want a good night,He wants a great night! so he downs the entire bottle
FIVE HOURS LATER
Thye guys son is out on the porch crying and a neighbor comes up and says "What’s wrong?
and the boy says :Mom’s pregnant sisters dead my ass hurts and Dad’s in the basement yelling here kitty kitty!

12/18/2008 03:45:13 am

There is no snooze button on a cat who wants breakfast

Fran

12/18/2008 03:56:31 am

What do you call a cat that loves to beat eggs?

Whiskers.

Randal

12/18/2008 04:09:57 am

I forwarded this to all my friends just for these jokes. some are really good!

Pam

12/18/2008 04:22:34 am

Ben how many cats are your companions? What are their names and personalities like?

12/18/2008 04:24:22 am

Ben,
How many companion cats live with you? What are their names and personality types? I see you are very interested in cats have you writen any cat focused books? Would you like to join our cat club?

http://www.cfainc.org/exhibitors/show-schedule.html

Paul Michael Murphy link

12/18/2008 04:52:45 am

DJ Fitz needs his own blog. Now. I could not care less about the above cat jokes, I'm too busy scrolling down to read what The Fitz has to say. Hilarious stuff. Seriously, if this guy isn't a character in somebody's novel, he should be.

Chris

12/18/2008 05:10:59 am

Catz Rule!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_CHzqnOiF4M

12/18/2008 05:45:25 am

Mr. Murphy,
Are all writers this teritorial? I see that you are also a successful writer with your own website ($$$). Can you just give me your agents email address so i can send him my manuscript? If it's confidential i promise i won't tell him where i got it if he asks.

I'm getting very nervous that now Mr. Esch has publicized my idea on the internet some inscruplious author who is already established, will steal it and get all the fame and fortune.

P.S. I think the tone of your last comment came off as rude/disrespectful. I don't know if you have the ability to go and edit it so it sounds a little bit more polite.

12/18/2008 05:47:31 am

p.p.s. Would YOU like to grab lunch someday and discuss our work?

Donny

12/18/2008 05:59:13 am

this post has made my day so much better

johnny sawyer

12/18/2008 07:04:28 am

For all of you with teenagers or who have had teenagers, or are a teenager, you may want to know why they really have a lot in common with cats: - Neither teenagers nor cats turn their heads when you call them by name. - No matter what you do for them, it is not enough. Indeed, all humane efforts are barely adequate to compensate for the privilege of waiting on them hand and foot. - You rarely see a cat walking outside of the house with an adult human being, and it can be safely said that no teenager in his or her right mind wants to be seen in public with his or her parents. - Even if you tell jokes as well as Jay Leno, neither your cat nor your teen will ever crack a smile. - No cat or teenager shares you taste in music. - Cats and teenagers can lie on the living-room sofa for hours on end without moving, barely breathing. - Cats have nine lives. Teenagers carry o n as if they did. - Cats and teenagers yawn in exactly the same manner, communicating that ultimate human ecstasy — a sense of complete and utter boredom. - Cats and teenagers do not improve anyone’s furniture. - Cats that are free to roam outside sometimes have been known to return in the middle of the night to deposit a dead animal in your bedroom. Teenagers are not above that sort of behavior. Thus, if you must raise teenagers, the best sources of advice are not other parents, but veterinarians. It is also a good idea to keep a guidebook on cats at hand at all times. And remember, above all else, put out the food and do not make any sudden moves in their direction. When they make up their minds, they will finally come to you for some affection and comfort, and it will be a triumphant moment for all concerned.

12/18/2008 07:05:30 am

Q: When is a bad time to cross a black cat? A: When you are a mouse!

12/18/2008 07:06:03 am

Little Tim was in the garden filling in a hole when his neighbor peered over the fence. Interested in what the cheeky-faced youngster was up to, he politely asked, “Whatcha doing, Tim?” “My goldfish died,” replied the boy tearfully, without looking up. “And I’ve just buried him.” The neighbor was concerned. “That’s an awfully big hole for a goldfish, isn’t it?” Tim patted down the last heap of earth then replied, “That’s because he’s inside your cat.”

12/18/2008 07:06:34 am

Q: What kind of cats lay around the house? - A: Car-pets!

12/18/2008 07:06:52 am

Q: What kind of work does a weak cat do? - A: Light mouse work.

12/18/2008 07:07:20 am

Brother: Did you put the cat out ? Sister: Why, is it on fire ?

12/18/2008 07:07:42 am

If anyone on here uses any of my jokes i want a cut of the book money!

12/18/2008 07:08:01 am

How do cats eat spaghetti ? The same as everyone else - they put it in their mouths!

Coco Hollywood

12/18/2008 07:13:02 am

Johnny,
Your jokes are seriously lacking. I know DJ FITZ write far better.

cheetahwoman16 link

12/18/2008 07:32:23 am

DJF:
Here's a joke i'm giving you permission to use.

Why do people love cats?
Because they are purrrrr-fect!

I didn't invent it myself, but you're more then welcome to use it. LOL.

Below you will find a preformance piece i did over the summer.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=drI4BRMpaJM

Info:
Cheetah woman in an apartment talks about how she wans to get out of the jungle, stop eating animals and live in a condo like a human being and eat tacos, drink wine, ect.

Chris link

12/19/2008 08:38:55 am

What do you call a Chinese cat?
Chairman Miaow

What do you call a British cat?
Miaowgret Thatcher

wedding dress link

2/25/2011 03:15:13 pm

Our online shop supply great number of designer bridal wedding gowns as alfred angelo wedding dresses, bonny wedding dresses, forever yours bridal gowns, maggie sottero wedding dresses, mori lee wedding dresses and others. All these designer wedding dresses are with high quality and best service.

Hermes link

7/31/2011 04:31:48 pm

Failure by that committee would trigger automatic cuts in programs beloved by Democrats and Republicans, respectively, unless Congress later this year passed a Constitutional amendment requiring balanced budgets.

Lois Brown

7/11/2013 12:44:31 am

Gee whiz Daniel J Fitzgerald! Who placed the tree up your behind?? If you didn't want all of these cat jokes to pop up then you should have told Ben from the get go when he suggested it! Seriously, there are some pretty funny jokes on here and trust me when I say this, I AM a cat lady! There isn't a whole lot on earth that I haven't seen that is funnier than my crew of eight and a dog. My suggestion is to just either a) just give in to the hilarity of the jokes and crack a smile every once in a while, or b) unsubscribe. No one is going to take your ideas and quite honestly, pretty much its whoever gets it out first. Don't go getting your fur rubbed the wrong way because someone has said something about writing a book, because there are a good percentage who say that they want to and never do. Another hefty percentage start and never finish, so get a grip, read the jokes as they were intended (although, really folks, some of these are just downright mean....rein it in a bit for the more genteel of the species, please) and get out of the house some. The sunshine might do you some good!

7/11/2013 12:44:46 am

Lois Brown link

7/11/2013 12:45:12 am

7/11/2013 12:45:33 am

7/11/2013 12:45:41 am

7/11/2013 12:47:56 am

Sorry....my puter had a glitch. It was only intended to be posted once. =o/

The Ben Esch Website

The blog comment of the year. Also, I need your cat jokes.

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