Hey readers,

So, I've been reading quite a bit of the Twilight series the last couple of days (author's note: leave me alone.  Seriously.  Don't make fun of me about this.  It's a cultural phenomenon) and this has caused me to ask myself quite a few questions: 

Question:  Edward or Jacob. 

Answer:  I'm gonna go ahead and pick the douchey kid who works at the camping store.  Don't get me wrong, he isn't as dreamy as either Jacob or Edward, but I think the greater stability of not being a goddamn vampire or werewolf would nudge him up in my eyes eventually.  I mean, you have to consider the long haul when you get in a serious relationship like that.   

Question:  What would you want your super special vampire super power to be if you got turned into a vampire? 

Answer:  I've thought about this quite a bit, and here's what I've come up with: 

1.  Ability to fly. 

Since I was a kid, the scariest animal I could ever imagine was a flying bear.  And Twilight made it pretty clear that vampires > bears in the fighting department, and throw in the soulful eyes and flawless bone structure and...well, yeah, I'm still more scared of the flying bear.  Being able to fly would still be pretty neat, though. 

2.  Non sparkly skin reaction to the sun. 

Because that would be a major pain in the ass.  Don't get me wrong, I like bedazzled stuff as much as the next guy (author's note: guys like bedazzled stuff, right?) but that's more of a "sometimes" thing. 

I mean, I guess this wouldn't be so much of a problem for me, seeing as a I spend most of the hours of sunlight crouched over my laptop like a troll, but for a person with a normal relationship to daylight hours, I could see this turning into a bit of a hassle. 

Man...I really need to get outside more often. 

3.  Knife throwing ability. 

Because what would be scarier than just a regular vampire?  How about a vampire that throws knives.  Bam! 

Okay, I'm gonna go off on a little theory that doesn't really strictly tie to Twlight, so read at your leisure: 

My theory:  I've never really tested this out or whatever, but I think I could get hit with a throwing knife or two before I would die.  Like, in the movies, you see somebody take a knife to the back and then they groan and topple forward into a lump of death, but the reality has to be a little bit different than that right?  I mean, I'm pretty sure you would groan and thrash around on the ground for a while. 

And call me crazy, but I think that it has to be the same way with a bow and arrow.  It has to take more than one arrow to take down a guy, right?  Like, I watched Red Dawn the other day (author's note: sweet holy damn that movie was amazing.  I had almost forgotten how scared I used to be of Russians) and this huge Commando dude gets taken out by a single arrow that the chick from Dirty Dancing shot at him.  How is that even possible?  I mean, I'm sure it would hurt and stuff, but a mortal wound?  She didn't even shoot him in the neck. 

Red Dawn was still plenty awesome, but you hate to see that kind of inconsistency in the plot. 

End of theory. 

Okay, I'm off to finish the third Twilight book.  If any of you guys have any vampire abilities you'd like to contribute to the wishlist, please add them in the comments.  If they're good enough, I'll most likely steal them to use for my own story about romantic vampires and the women who love them. 

Author's note to editor:  Yes, this is totally going to happen. 

5/19/2009 09:40:49 am

I hope you're not doing all that reading just so you can informatively answer my interview question.

(Yeah, that may have been a subtle reminder.)

And as for vampire powers, I'm gonna go with smoldering eyes.

Reply
chris
5/19/2009 11:36:05 pm

definitely have to say a really thick and obvious unibrow. one that's just distracting enough...

Reply
5/20/2009 06:58:27 am

Yay to you for manning up to admitting to and reading Twilight!
I am a Jacob fan by the way. (he's much more fun and dogs are cute).
If I was a vampire, I would like the sparkles, but just on my eyelids. What I wouldn't like is the inability to sleep (like in the Twilight series), because I am a fan of naps.
PS I loooooooooooved Red Dawn. (I had a HUGE Charlie Sheen crush...til the hooker incidents). I do have the DVD here somewhere, must watch it again in the near future.

Reply
chris
5/21/2009 12:28:31 am

that's so ironic, kelly, because i developed a huge crush on charlie sheen BECAUSE of the hooker incidents...

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5/21/2009 04:24:21 am

Oh, Chris, my image of you is blown... :)
You must have a new crush on the Shamwow guy then!

Reply
Monica
5/21/2009 04:53:49 am

I have managed to move past the hooker incident, and i still admire Mr. Sheen as an actor. Wouldnt want to be married to him, tho.

That movie looks creepy, Mr. Esch. Where ever did you find it? i haven't seen any advertising about it.

Reply
MOnica
5/21/2009 05:11:19 am

i am really bad at organizing my comments. that creepy one was meant for glooby.. or whatever its called.

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5/26/2009 04:18:16 am

Somebody already took smoldering eyes, so I'm gonna say ability to create fog.

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