I've decided to take a break from my usual posts about video games and Patrick Warburton to talk about what I actually do for a living.  So, here's the first in a series of my thoughts on writing and how I was able to somehow scam my way into doing this for a living.  Please enjoy:

Writing tip of the week #1: poking your muse

All writers are creative people, and as such are inherently self-absorbed and unpleasant to be around.  Don't get me wrong, we aren't as bad as actors or musicians or fashion designers (God help you if you have to spend any time with a fashion designer) but we're still pretty damn annoying to hang out with. 

But what is it about writers that makes us such terrible company?  I have a theory about this: 

1.  We incessantly complain about the easiest job in the world. 

That's the secret: writing is easy.  Seriously.  We get paid to play make believe and screw around with crayons.  That's the entire job.  And I think this is awesome.  I'm way too delicate for any kind of real work. 

Question: but if the job is so easy, then why are writers bitching about it all the time? 

Answer:  if people realize what a cush job this is, they might actually ask us to do stuff.  You would not believe how many times I've used the excuse of "I'm really struggling with a chapter" to get out of driving friends to the airport or helping them move.  On the list of effective excuses, it ranks just below "my grandpa died." 

Dude, it's a great scam, and I've used it a bunch myself.  I'll probably use it again before the day is over, but that doesn't change the fact that it's total bullcrap.  I just want to watch my youtube videos in peace and not change out of my pajamas. 

So, if we don't really need absolute uninterrupted silence for the creative process, then how do writers really get inspired? 

We get one of these. 

That' s my muse.  His name is Beppo.  When I need to work, I click him over for an hour and type until the buzzer rings. 

That's all.  Just typing.  No texting.  No email.  No searching through google to see if anyone has posted any "Sophomore Undercover" fan fiction (author's note to his fans: still nothing.  Would it be too much to ask for one MPREG story about Dixie Nguyen and Lord Voldemort?  Stephanie Meyers' fans are making you guys look like a bunch of chumps.  I know this is a lot to ask since the book isn't out yet, but come on!  You guys are better than this). 

If you're a writer, I highly recommend you get your hands on one of these bad boys and get to typing. 

I like to imagine my muse as an angry Italian chef who yells at me when I get off task-- 

"Don't use an adverb there, douche bag!" 

"You don't want to look at that internet porn!  Get back to work!" 

"Be funnier!" 

--And it's amazing how easy it is to be inspired when a small Italian man is yelling at you. 


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