The Ben Esch Website

Hello readers,

Well, we've had a good run with www.dixienguyen.com, but change is a part of life, and this website shall heretofore be known as www.benjaminesch.com.

Now, what does this change mean for you? 

FREQUENTLY ASKED QUESTIONS ABOUT THE WEBSITE NAME CHANGE

1.  Why did you change the name? 

Because my agent told me to, and he's really smart. 

2.  Any other reasons? 

Well, spelling "nguyen" tripped up quite a few people, and supposedly making people feel illiterate doesn't really help them get into the proper "book buying" mind set. 

3.  Are you sure you just didn't want a website named after you? 

Yeah, well...that is pretty cool, actually. 

4.  But why isn't the website www.benesch.com, then? 

Because www.benesch.com belongs to an architectural firm in the midwest...and they have quite a deal more money than I do. 

5.  What about all the stuff you had on dixienguyen.com?  Did it all disappear into the abyss of the internet or something? 

No need to panic.  All the old stuff on dixienguyen.com is now on benjaminesch.com.  Even the old Michael Jackson videos.  This website transfer was a professional operation.   (Author's note:  well, at least everything will be moved over eventually.  We're still working out a few kinks, but seriously, everything's going to be cool.  You don't need to leave me for anothe author website.  This is just a small bump in the road, I promise.  We're going to be stronger because of this.  I just know it). 

6.  When are you going to announce the winner of the cat joke contest. 

Soon.  But let's stay on task here.  

7.   What happens if I type in dixienguyen.com? 

Well, you're supposed to be magically transported to benjaminesch.com somehow, but that still hasn't worked out quite right because the internet is confusing.  Anyway, it should get fixed real soon.    

Welcome to the new benjaminesch.com.  I promise the exact same caliber of jackassery as the old website.  Just with a slightly easier to spell name. 

According to Google analytics, dixienguyen.com is huge in Norway.  HUGE!

Wow.  What an honor.  And though both Finland and Sweden hold a special place in my heart, I have to say that Norway has always been my favorite Scandinavian country.   You Norwegians are a class act. 

So, on behalf of dixienguyen.com, I would like to offer a hearty "Gledelig Jul" (Merry Christmas) and "tussen takk" (thank you) to my Norwegian friends for visiting the website. 
 

Author's note:  this is an actual Norwegian.

In an effort to bring entertainment to you, the reader, I am going to start posting some of the videos that I find on youtube.  But, since this is a classy website, I'm going to make a couple promises about the type of video to be posted on dixienguyen.com

Ben Esch's video promises to you: 

1.  There will be no videos of fat kids falling on bikes/skateboards/other wheeled vehicles...though these are hilarious. 
2.  There will be no videos of babies or kittens doing cute things, unless what they are doing is particularly cute. 
3.  There WILL continue to be videos of me singing.  Because this is my website, dammit, and I like doing that.

Well, now that all that is settled, I would like to present Mr. Gustave Flaubert: 

Wow.  That is trippy.  I thought it was kinda cool for a second, then I got a little uncomfortable, then it crossed over into weird "old Nine Inch Nails video" territory and that isn't a particularly fun place to be.       

Man...I kinda regret posting that video.  There's only one thing that can make me feel better now:

Author's note:  Garfield makes everything better.
 

Please send video suggestions to [email protected]

So, in addition to writing award winning short fiction and taking adorable pictures with a black lab, Stephen Hart also finds time in his busy schedule for a refreshing set of dolphin push ups. 

dixienguyen.com has a pretty well established commitment to physical fitness, but still...that's just weird. 

Anybody who can send in a video of themselves completing a dolphin push up will get a crisp dollar bill courtesy of Ben Esch. 

There’s still a few free copies of Sophomore Undercover available to dixienguyen.com readers.  All the details are here.  

Now, I’m afraid that there might be a few dixienguyen.com readers out there who want an advanced copy of Sophomore Undercover but still aren’t sure if this “free book” thing is for real. 

Let me address some of these concerns.

FAQS about how you can get a free copy of “Sophomore Undercover”  

Is this free book thing for real?  Yes.

Really?  Yes, really. 

But is this “free” like one of those “free” Scientology personality tests?  Uhh…no.  There are absolutely no “thetans” involved.  Unless you’re into that sort of thing.  We’re an equal opportunity book supplier here at dixienguyen.com

And when will I get the book?  Soon to soonish.  Definitely before the book is out in the store.  I’m almost a hundred percent certain about that.  But still, it’s free so you’re gonna have to cut me a little slack. 

Is there a catch?  Yes.  You have to tell people that you liked “Sophomore Undercover” (author's note: hopefully this won't be a lie, but I'm flexible) and encourage them to buy multiple copies.
 
How am I supposed to do that?  Well, I find that saying “Sophomore Undercover is way more funny than The Hours” works pretty well, but go ahead and use your personal judgment on this one.  I really don’t to stifle anybody’s creativity here.
 
But are there any books still available?  Yes.  Just not too many more, so quit dawdling and send your request (and mailing address) to [email protected].  I know fifteen bucks is a ridiculously low price for the hours of enjoyment you’ll get from “Sophomore Undercover,” but still, think of all the uses you can put to that fifteen bucks if you don’t have to spend it on my book.  Some suggestions: 

Smart ways to spend fifteen dollars. 

1.  Buy another copy of Sophomore Undercover in case the first one gets dirty. 
2.  Purchase 30 tacos from Jack N the Box. Bring bag of tacos back to your school/dormitory/church/retirement home. Profit.
3.  Start a savings account. 
 
See?  Having fifteen dollars and a book is way better than just having a book. 

Send your requests for your TOTALLY FREE ADVANCED COPY of Sophomore Undercover to [email protected]

This man wants you have to have a free book. 
Author's note:  the people at the museum were surprisingly uncool about this.

I've been thinking about reviews quite a bit the last few days.  

And this clip from Spinal Tap helped put things into perspective. 

Los Angeles Lakers coach Phil Jackson said:  "New Year's Eve is amateur night and resolutions are for fools." 

Phil Jackson is this guy

Ben's counterpoint:  Phil Jackson is an asshole.

Please send suggestions for future point/counterpoints to [email protected]

Longtime friend, freestyle rap opponent, and dixienguyen.com reader Stephen Hart just got his first short story published.  And it is effing awesome. 

Click here to read  "Reflections" by Stephen Hart.  Seriously, click over.   You won't regret it. 

Now, I love Steve's story, and I'm happy that he's being recognized for his writing, but I still have one little bone to pick.  

My bone to pick:  Since his story came out two months before "Sophomore Undercover," Stephen Hart is now the first published writer from our high school class. 

So way to go Steve.  You've stolen my thunder yet again.  I suppose I should be used to this by now.

Things that Stephen Hart has stolen from me: 

1.  Literary glory. 
2.  The prestigious "Sonora High Most Inspirational Athlete" award.  (Author's note: I was ridiculously inspirational.  Next to vertical leap, being inspirational was my strongest attribute as a basketball player)
3.  Heidi Chung in 7th grade. 

And though I'll never forgive him for stealing Heidi, I would like to present Stephen Hart with the third ever "dixienguyen.com person of the week" for writing excellence. 

Author's note:  That is Steve.  And yes, he is actually that adorable in real life. 

Send nominations for the person of the week to [email protected]

It's pretty well established that we're big fans of writer/illustrator/Incredible Hulk imitator Adam Rex here at dixienguyen.com. 

So, you can imagine my excitement when I got this holiday card in the mail: 

Click on the image for full sized hilarity. 

Goddamn that Adam Rex is talented. 

And for those of you who aren't familiar with "The True Meaning of Smekday" hopefully this video will bring you up to speed: 

Little known fact:  Adam Rex made those puppets using only a bar of soap and positive thoughts.
 

Suzanne asked: Do writers get groupies? 

Ben answers:  From what I understand, writing isn't a very "groupie rich" profession.  In fact, I'm pretty sure that out of all the creative fields, writers get less groupies than anyone.  And yes, this includes prop comics and those guys who paint themselves silver and act like robots for tips. 

So yeah...that seems fair. 

Author's note:  I should have gone to law school.   

This guy gets way more chicks than John Green.